My saddle's waitin', come and jump on it

Everyone should take a little time here and there and just let go. Eat crappy, hang out on the couch, watch shitty movies, generally misbehave. Everyone is always looking for the cure to fat and lazy in the form of pills and drink mixes and surgeries. Now, before everyone freaks the fuck out, I do understand that there are times when those interventions are absolutely necessary.


I don't see nothin' wrong with a little stuffin' & wine. That is how the song went, right? A little is good, a day off is good. One. day. off. We tend to expand our arses and lose sight of our goals during the holiday season- there are endless gatherings and parties and snacks and treats and drinks. Trying to stay on your regular ass-kicking schedule will keep you feeling and looking better.

I feel fat and lazy some days and overindulge at more parties than I should. I eat badly when I know I shouldn't. I hear myself saying that I am unhappy with the way I look and STILL accept the doughnut offered to me at work sometimes. I am proud that I decline them more than I accept them and that I have really made an effort to spend more time eating the way I should and exercising like I should. The hardest part for me is the part where I have all the good excuses- birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, bar mitzvahs, thanksgiving, flag day, Tuesday and then I continue eating that way even when the occasion is over. 


During the holidays, you may gain a few, but what the fuck, you'll be happier. Happiness is worth something. When an overindulgence in your merry making leaves you with a FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area), then you have gone too far and thus leads the slippery slope to unhappiness. While I love a slippery slope as much as the next girl. I don't like the ones that lead to unhappiness. Get back up on that pony as soon as possible. Cut the shit and listen to how much your mouth is complaining about how much your hand keeps feeding it and then do something about that. Shut your piehole. Yep. Shut it. I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to- gasp- listen to what my mouth says about how I am eating, how I look and how I am feeling and act accordingly. Why am I subjecting everyone else to my rants and bitching if I, who has control over the whole process, am not listening? A few extra pounds during the holidays is nothing to get too worked up about, but get back to doing what you should before 8 pounds turns into 40.


~Piece out


The song above was covered by the band Far and is called Pony

Too fucked up not to share

Trim your shit. Seriously.

Ladyscaping, trimming, shaving, waxing, plucking, dance to the goddess of hair removal- do it your way, but do it.

When I am through with you, there won't be anything left

Ladies come to class wanting to learn things that will make their friends swoon and their men stand at attention. On the first day, they want to be upside down 13 feet in the air and graceful and powerful. They want to be transformed in 75 minutes.We want you to do all that too. We might need to negotiate the timeline. We'd love to support your desire to do things you never thought possible. I have been there and I remember how incredible it feels to do something you never imagined you could and to look at something and say I want to do that. There are still things I see that make me believe that the laws of gravity must make an exception for our pole mama. We'd just really like you not to be stupid about it. When you do something that is potentially dangerous, you need to know what you are going to do before you get up there, how to get down if it doesn't work, and be able to trust that your grip is correct, so that if you are sliding down the pole head first, you know what to do. We'd love to see you waving from the top of the pole. We'd like to see what you look like face down, ass up. Sometimes, that's pretty hot. Sometimes it is goddamned ridiculous.

Usually, I would say I look goddamned hot, but on Saturday I was upside down and holding on with my ankles and laughing so hard that I nearly let go. My ankles were holding me on to the pole, but I could not maintain my position. I was sliding down and laughing my ass off because I just could not get a grip on the pole. I tried doing a sit up to get back up and just kept sinking toward the floor. At that point, I just gave up and went on down to the floor in a safe, but decidedly unglamorous way.

I looked like the stripper equivalent of a $2 whore. The sort that isn't going to cost you much, but where you leave thinking you wished you'd saved up some more scratch before you blew it on some low-rent snatch.  I just totally rhymed that shit. Maybe I will need to do some stripper poetry. Hooker haiku. Stripper Sonnets. Cunty couplets. Iambic pentameter- shit, I don't have one for that.

Sorry, I just totally took you off on a tangent, anyway my indecent descent wasn't dangerous because I knew how to grip on with my ankles and trusted that would hold me on- and it did, it just didn't hold me up- which is usually the job of your calves. I also know about 10 different ways to safely extract myself from that position, so I wasn't concerned at all. A new person might have experienced that a totally different way because she would not have that understanding of the grip, or have at her disposal a number of ways to get down other than crashing on her face and that feeling is scary, even if you have someone there to spot you and it all works out fine.

Whilst making my descent, albeit very ungracefully, the thought occurred to me, "Maybe I need a fucking helmet". Wouldn't that be hot? Think I could make it catch on like syphilis in a frat house? I am thinking something that matches my shoes? or perhaps a more obvious choice is a Glitter helmet. I have attached a link for any of you who are nodding your head along with everything I said and thinking, "I do that!" Every stripper is looking for more ways to incorporate sparkles, why not as headgear? Clearly a glitter helmet is the answer for the klutzy sexpot. I could totally rock that shit, right? Maybe it will prevent the need for a glittery neckbrace.

The excitement to learn is one of the best parts of this stripper gig. I can't even count the number of lady bits I see in a week sometimes.  We love enthusiasm. We adore ladies who are so excited they can't contain their desire to do everything all at once. We'd also love to show you how to do everything you want to learn. Some days that will be all about learning dance moves and spins. Other days, it will be about building the strength and different grips necessary to do the big stuff. Sometimes, it may seem lame and like you didn't get anything "good" out of today's class, it is really important.  Especially when you get the chance to do something new and don't have to freak out wondering how the fuck do I get my silly twat back down from here if I realize that I cannot position myself correctly? No one ever wants to learn that. The time to learn it is not while you are upside down and struggling to hold your body weight up and figuring out how to get into position and deciding whether you are going to fall or not and Adena is yelling, "Put your left hand down! No, right hand, no, left, yes, left!"  The time to learn how to get back down if you need to is before your get your snatch up over your skull.

People assume that if it looks easy, it is easy. To that I say, do you have any idea how hard and how long I work to make this shit look easy? How many different moves I learn that I can use to get back down if I need to? How many different grips I know to get out if I just can't make this shit happen? I would love to teach you all of that so that you can do a ton of cool stuff and not need a bedazzled wheelchair when it is over.

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public

dual purpose anal bead/stripper shoe

My bitch better have my money, Through rain, sleet, or snow,
My whore better have my money,
Not half, not some, but all my cash,
'Cause if she don't,
I'm gonna put my foot in her ass.

Believe it or not, I had several people who requested a visual of the anal bead shoe. I don't know why you would want or need both anal beads and footwear in one transparent package, but there, my friends, it is. I can only assume it is for the "'Ho on the Go".

Number 1

Anybody who would like to tell me how these two items belong like peanut butter and chocolate, I am down. As a matter of fact, any bitch who could tell me with any degree of creativity how these two items are properly joined in one awesome foot-to-ass package will be my new best friend for a whole week- with option to extend at the end of said week. That is 7 days of glorious wit and sarcasm, stripper shoe shopping, pole dancing and we *might* make matching friendship bracelets if shit goes right. You know, don't force it. All you needy bitches out there had better get started writing rough drafts. I like it tight, so Kegel up that writing sample. All submissions due by October 16th with friendship rights starting on October 21st at midnight.

Number 2

In the true and noble quest for my Spinderella slippers I have found three potential candidates. I have affectionately named them Number 1, Number, 2 and Number 3.

Now, Number 1 is a cutesy one with red roses in it. That one might just be too obnoxiously cute, but it's got my name all over it. I can't tell if the flowers are fixed in there or floating around. I don't know if I would like them moving around all the time.

Number 2 I think is really nice, not sure it's quite slutty enough and my aforementioned duck feet might be too wide for them and shoes with the little strappy things across the foot are not likely to stretch like many of the other tart shoes. It definitely meets the classy requirement.

Naughty Number 3 is an adorably sweet baby pink with a no-fucking-around-heel. I do like a nice slutty red, though. I would do a smoking hot pink, but I am not sure about the baby pink.   It has the stretchy bit across the top for my fat feet. Is it possible to make these hardcore- without anal beads? I don't want my stripper shoes to say, "I have a stupid Barbie fantasy that I can't get over"  I want to say, "You might need to sign a waiver because this bitch knows things".

Number 3

What do you think? Anybody seen anything that I should take under consideration? Here's your turn for shit I should like. You can comment below or on facebook.

Right now, I am so late to this party, but I am about halfway through Life Unexpected on Netflix and I love it. Check it out.

Watch out! I have my Fuck You shoes on

How to make an instant slut: apply 7-inch hooker red heels.
How to make an instant crack slut: apply broken 7-inch hooker red heels.

I just went from instant slut to instant crack slut on Monday. I was taking my shoes off and realized they are starting to come apart. It's not quite to the point of limping down the street with one 7 inch heel and one bare foot, but I imagine that is a situation I'd like to avoid. I'd also like to avoid a complete separation of slut and shoe whilst walking and trying to look fetching.

So, now I have to search the interwebs for slutty shoes and hope like hell they fit my wide feet. There are lots of very tacky shoes out there. One pair has a heel with stacked dice on it that I thought were anal beads for a minute. It was an interesting minute and I'll do you the service of not telling you the mental picture I got with a 7inch shoe with heel made out of anal beads.  You are welcome for that.

We have had several shoe vendors throughout the years and haven't found one that we are in love with or even one we'd like to hate fuck once in a while. Some vendors have very low quality shoes, others are ungodly expensive, and others have anal beads for heels.  I went over the rules for stripper shoe buying in a previous post , but now I have to actually try to find some. I am not sure if there is a classy stripper shoe, but I would like one that doesn't have fake money trapped inside the platform. I have had a few pairs now and I really like my red ones, but I think it's time for something new. I love fun stuff, and of course that is all subjective, but I am having a hard time finding footwear for the classy tart.

I found these, which might be interesting- perhaps a bit shy of classy and are probably not terribly practical (can you call stripper shoes practical or is that illegal?) Since I don't actually dance in a club, I doubt I'd be turning them on that often. It seems a bit too desperate for attention in a class setting. I have seen a few 4 1/2 inch heels, but those just seem way too tame. If I am going to be slutty, I am going to commit to it god damn it. If anyone out there has a good vendor, let me know. Otherwise, the search will continue.

Don't judge a bitch by her blubber aka give that big booty a smack

I have openly shared (not the same as sharing my opening) and don't mind admitting that I have struggled to lose weight. I am working hard, but making slow progress. I am proud of who I am, but I'm still working on being as happy with how I look. Occasionally, I will teach classes when Adena is sick, on vacation, or just needs a break. It has only happened a few times because most women aren't this cunty, but there have been a few occasions where a woman will walk in to a class I am teaching and assume that my (big) butt can't teach her anything.

 I am, as I have said before, not a scrawny girl. I am a size 12 now, down from a 16, but I taught classes at size 16 too. I am sure many more girls thought this and didn't say it out loud and one or two girls decided not to take a class with me and left.  We all make choices about what our money gets spent on every day. Is this coffee worth the money? Is that gallon of lube a bargain at 10% off with 40% more free? That is a lot of fucking math, but I think that works out to getting your axle greased for half off. Too bad I made that whole analogy up or I'd totally throw a link up to that shit.


To have someone look at me and say that she didn't know I'd be teaching and wants to know whether I am planning to charge the same price as the regular teacher, whether she should be charged for the class at all, and as a matter of fact, she thinks she might need to get a free class with the regular instructor to make up for it as well is humiliating. Totally, horribly, humiliating. That is the part where if I wore earrings, I'd be snatching them out of my ears and repeating,"take my  earrings because I am about to cut a bitch" to no one and everyone all at once. No one likes to be looked at, judged, and then called out to be of lesser value,  possibly worth no value at all, and further so completely unacceptable as to require punishment of the regular teacher by getting a free class from her as well.

Who the fuck was this bitch? This was someone who had seen me in class, but she'd never seen me lead the class. Had this been my class I'd have told her to piss up a rope and feel the pissy dribble (10 points if you know what song that refers to, 5 points if you didn't but thought it was funny), but this was not my class. This was Adena's class and her livelihood. You can't fuck with how a bitch earns. So, I gather up every bit of self-control and i think I probably borrowed some as well and invited her to stay and see how she likes it and make her decision at the end. I must have looked like some psychotic Stepford wife.

To her credit, she didn't have a sour puss attitude and she participated and really enjoyed the class. At the end of class she gave me a hug and said how she'd had a great time and had a good workout. I think the fact that she stayed and enjoyed it really helped alleviate the pole hickey my pride had, but being judged in the first place hurt a lot and the fact that she liked the class and said I was good enough helped, but it doesn't completely take away that understanding that I have to be well above average to be accepted. I know her better now and I don't think she  realized how insulting that was. She was just looking out for the fact that some chubby chick was making off with her hard-earned scratch and may not be able to provide the type of experience she wants to pay for.

The best part was the next week when she told me she couldn't walk for days and was so sore she could hardly move. I think that when I teach classes I sometimes feel like I need to overcompensate, especially when I am teaching a class where at least a few of the women can do things I can't. I have learned to have more confidence in who I am and what I do. I don't know of many women who couldn't learn something of they shut their cockholsters and listen for a minute. That, of course, includes me. I think bigger women are drawn to me and I like being someone to aspire to, even if it comes with a little hasty judgment sometimes. Someone where people can see with their own eyes that a bigger girl can do things that they don't believe are possible. I can gesture to all of this and say I can do it just like I am and you can too.

So, if you see me teaching class, watch out bitches because you will feel like a $2 whore with 300 bucks in her pocket all goddamn week when I am done with your ass, no matter how big or small it is.

Shit you should like

Make Believe - promo video from Make Believe Clothing on Vimeo.

This is a new segment I am going to call, "Shit you should like". I don't know exactly what I will be featuring every time, but get off my camel toe already, I am just getting started. This is a puss-anal (oooh that looks so much worse than I wanted it to) ahem personal recommendation.

Full disclosure (I think that is a club somewhere in Iowa, but I am pretty sure they are full nude, which I don't prefer. I call those clubs juice boxes because they don't serve alcohol and they are forever waving their clits in the wind and occasionally that wind isn't so fresh, but I digress)-My brother in law has a clothing line called Make Believe, before you get your snatch in a snit, or your nits in an uproar, I shall demonstrate why I like it and then you can decide if I am a promotional whore of the high class variety or of the $2 crack persuasion.

1. He has some amazing shirts (this one is my current favorite ) and even though they have been worn by some super famous people (hey, we've already established that I have no shame, so why start now), he didn't jack up the price like douchebag from Doucheachusetts so that regular people couldn't afford them without selling a kidney. $25 bucks is pretty fucking awesome for a t-shirt these days. That will leave you enough to buy lots of other shit, like stripper shoes, or some glitter, or something to cover your vag with- like panties or whatever. You can figure out your own fucking budget, I'm not getting paid to deal with your personal financial issues.

2. They are the best option I've seen yet for when you have to cover your tits. By all means, show them off, but when they just absolutely must be covered, grab one of these if you like them.

3. Boy works his goddamn ass off - so much respect for a person who risks everything and relies on his own hard work. He's built this company on his own talent. Why should you care about that? The only thing your brother-in-law ever did was fuck your sister -oooh snap.  This is probably the part where I admit that I know he totally did my sister because she's all knocked up. I am so excited about this aunt business, but that is another story for another day.

4. They are for dudes and for ladies. Some of them are made in girly shirts and other ones are totally unisexy. Yeah, I fucking said it.

We are ever so proud of his ass. He has a new line coming out at the end of this month. I'd love to hear about some stuff that you guys like that I can check out. Whether it is a book, music, blogs, artwork, makeup- anything you are in to- I'll check it out. Free booby love to anyone who shows up in class with a Make Believe t-shirt!