Saturday, November 26, 2011

My saddle's waitin', come and jump on it

Everyone should take a little time here and there and just let go. Eat crappy, hang out on the couch, watch shitty movies, generally misbehave. Everyone is always looking for the cure to fat and lazy in the form of pills and drink mixes and surgeries. Now, before everyone freaks the fuck out, I do understand that there are times when those interventions are absolutely necessary.

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little stuffin' & wine. That is how the song went, right? A little is good, a day off is good. One. day. off. We tend to expand our arses and lose sight of our goals during the holiday season- there are endless gatherings and parties and snacks and treats and drinks. Trying to stay on your regular ass-kicking schedule will keep you feeling and looking better.

I feel fat and lazy some days and overindulge at more parties than I should. I eat badly when I know I shouldn't. I hear myself saying that I am unhappy with the way I look and STILL accept the doughnut offered to me at work sometimes. I am proud that I decline them more than I accept them and that I have really made an effort to spend more time eating the way I should and exercising like I should. The hardest part for me is the part where I have all the good excuses- birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, bar mitzvahs, thanksgiving, flag day, Tuesday and then I continue eating that way even when the occasion is over. 

During the holidays, you may gain a few, but what the fuck, you'll be happier. Happiness is worth something. When an overindulgence in your merry making leaves you with a FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area), then you have gone too far and thus leads the slippery slope to unhappiness. While I love a slippery slope as much as the next girl. I don't like the ones that lead to unhappiness. Get back up on that pony as soon as possible. Cut the shit and listen to how much your mouth is complaining about how much your hand keeps feeding it and then do something about that. Shut your piehole. Yep. Shut it. I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to- gasp- listen to what my mouth says about how I am eating, how I look and how I am feeling and act accordingly. Why am I subjecting everyone else to my rants and bitching if I, who has control over the whole process, am not listening? A few extra pounds during the holidays is nothing to get too worked up about, but get back to doing what you should before 8 pounds turns into 40.

~Piece out

The song above was covered by the band Far and is called Pony

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Too fucked up not to share

Trim your shit. Seriously.
Ladyscaping, trimming, shaving, waxing, plucking, dance to the goddess of hair removal- do it your way, but do it.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

When I am through with you, there won't be anything left

Ladies come to class wanting to learn things that will make their friends swoon and their men stand at attention. On the first day, they want to be upside down 13 feet in the air and graceful and powerful. They want to be transformed in 75 minutes.We want you to do all that too. We might need to negotiate the timeline. We'd love to support your desire to do things you never thought possible. I have been there and I remember how incredible it feels to do something you never imagined you could and to look at something and say I want to do that. There are still things I see that make me believe that the laws of gravity must make an exception for our pole mama. We'd just really like you not to be stupid about it. When you do something that is potentially dangerous, you need to know what you are going to do before you get up there, how to get down if it doesn't work, and be able to trust that your grip is correct, so that if you are sliding down the pole head first, you know what to do. We'd love to see you waving from the top of the pole. We'd like to see what you look like face down, ass up. Sometimes, that's pretty hot. Sometimes it is goddamned ridiculous.

Usually, I would say I look goddamned hot, but on Saturday I was upside down and holding on with my ankles and laughing so hard that I nearly let go. My ankles were holding me on to the pole, but I could not maintain my position. I was sliding down and laughing my ass off because I just could not get a grip on the pole. I tried doing a sit up to get back up and just kept sinking toward the floor. At that point, I just gave up and went on down to the floor in a safe, but decidedly unglamorous way.

I looked like the stripper equivalent of a $2 whore. The sort that isn't going to cost you much, but where you leave thinking you wished you'd saved up some more scratch before you blew it on some low-rent snatch.  I just totally rhymed that shit. Maybe I will need to do some stripper poetry. Hooker haiku. Stripper Sonnets. Cunty couplets. Iambic pentameter- shit, I don't have one for that.

Sorry, I just totally took you off on a tangent, anyway my indecent descent wasn't dangerous because I knew how to grip on with my ankles and trusted that would hold me on- and it did, it just didn't hold me up- which is usually the job of your calves. I also know about 10 different ways to safely extract myself from that position, so I wasn't concerned at all. A new person might have experienced that a totally different way because she would not have that understanding of the grip, or have at her disposal a number of ways to get down other than crashing on her face and that feeling is scary, even if you have someone there to spot you and it all works out fine.

Whilst making my descent, albeit very ungracefully, the thought occurred to me, "Maybe I need a fucking helmet". Wouldn't that be hot? Think I could make it catch on like syphilis in a frat house? I am thinking something that matches my shoes? or perhaps a more obvious choice is a Glitter helmet. I have attached a link for any of you who are nodding your head along with everything I said and thinking, "I do that!" Every stripper is looking for more ways to incorporate sparkles, why not as headgear? Clearly a glitter helmet is the answer for the klutzy sexpot. I could totally rock that shit, right? Maybe it will prevent the need for a glittery neckbrace.

The excitement to learn is one of the best parts of this stripper gig. I can't even count the number of lady bits I see in a week sometimes.  We love enthusiasm. We adore ladies who are so excited they can't contain their desire to do everything all at once. We'd also love to show you how to do everything you want to learn. Some days that will be all about learning dance moves and spins. Other days, it will be about building the strength and different grips necessary to do the big stuff. Sometimes, it may seem lame and like you didn't get anything "good" out of today's class, it is really important.  Especially when you get the chance to do something new and don't have to freak out wondering how the fuck do I get my silly twat back down from here if I realize that I cannot position myself correctly? No one ever wants to learn that. The time to learn it is not while you are upside down and struggling to hold your body weight up and figuring out how to get into position and deciding whether you are going to fall or not and Adena is yelling, "Put your left hand down! No, right hand, no, left, yes, left!"  The time to learn how to get back down if you need to is before your get your snatch up over your skull.

People assume that if it looks easy, it is easy. To that I say, do you have any idea how hard and how long I work to make this shit look easy? How many different moves I learn that I can use to get back down if I need to? How many different grips I know to get out if I just can't make this shit happen? I would love to teach you all of that so that you can do a ton of cool stuff and not need a bedazzled wheelchair when it is over.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public

dual purpose anal bead/stripper shoe
My bitch better have my money, Through rain, sleet, or snow,
My whore better have my money,
Not half, not some, but all my cash,
'Cause if she don't,
I'm gonna put my foot in her ass.

Believe it or not, I had several people who requested a visual of the anal bead shoe. I don't know why you would want or need both anal beads and footwear in one transparent package, but there, my friends, it is. I can only assume it is for the "'Ho on the Go".

Number 1
Anybody who would like to tell me how these two items belong like peanut butter and chocolate, I am down. As a matter of fact, any bitch who could tell me with any degree of creativity how these two items are properly joined in one awesome foot-to-ass package will be my new best friend for a whole week- with option to extend at the end of said week. That is 7 days of glorious wit and sarcasm, stripper shoe shopping, pole dancing and we *might* make matching friendship bracelets if shit goes right. You know, don't force it. All you needy bitches out there had better get started writing rough drafts. I like it tight, so Kegel up that writing sample. All submissions due by October 16th with friendship rights starting on October 21st at midnight.

Number 2
In the true and noble quest for my Spinderella slippers I have found three potential candidates. I have affectionately named them Number 1, Number, 2 and Number 3.

Now, Number 1 is a cutesy one with red roses in it. That one might just be too obnoxiously cute, but it's got my name all over it. I can't tell if the flowers are fixed in there or floating around. I don't know if I would like them moving around all the time.

Number 2 I think is really nice, not sure it's quite slutty enough and my aforementioned duck feet might be too wide for them and shoes with the little strappy things across the foot are not likely to stretch like many of the other tart shoes. It definitely meets the classy requirement.

Naughty Number 3 is an adorably sweet baby pink with a no-fucking-around-heel. I do like a nice slutty red, though. I would do a smoking hot pink, but I am not sure about the baby pink.   It has the stretchy bit across the top for my fat feet. Is it possible to make these hardcore- without anal beads? I don't want my stripper shoes to say, "I have a stupid Barbie fantasy that I can't get over"  I want to say, "You might need to sign a waiver because this bitch knows things".
Number 3

What do you think? Anybody seen anything that I should take under consideration? Here's your turn for shit I should like. You can comment below or on facebook.

Right now, I am so late to this party, but I am about halfway through Life Unexpected on Netflix and I love it. Check it out.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Watch out! I have my Fuck You shoes on

How to make an instant slut: apply 7-inch hooker red heels.
How to make an instant crack slut: apply broken 7-inch hooker red heels.

I just went from instant slut to instant crack slut on Monday. I was taking my shoes off and realized they are starting to come apart. It's not quite to the point of limping down the street with one 7 inch heel and one bare foot, but I imagine that is a situation I'd like to avoid. I'd also like to avoid a complete separation of slut and shoe whilst walking and trying to look fetching.

So, now I have to search the interwebs for slutty shoes and hope like hell they fit my wide feet. There are lots of very tacky shoes out there. One pair has a heel with stacked dice on it that I thought were anal beads for a minute. It was an interesting minute and I'll do you the service of not telling you the mental picture I got with a 7inch shoe with heel made out of anal beads.  You are welcome for that.

We have had several shoe vendors throughout the years and haven't found one that we are in love with or even one we'd like to hate fuck once in a while. Some vendors have very low quality shoes, others are ungodly expensive, and others have anal beads for heels.  I went over the rules for stripper shoe buying in a previous post , but now I have to actually try to find some. I am not sure if there is a classy stripper shoe, but I would like one that doesn't have fake money trapped inside the platform. I have had a few pairs now and I really like my red ones, but I think it's time for something new. I love fun stuff, and of course that is all subjective, but I am having a hard time finding footwear for the classy tart.

I found these, which might be interesting- perhaps a bit shy of classy and are probably not terribly practical (can you call stripper shoes practical or is that illegal?) Since I don't actually dance in a club, I doubt I'd be turning them on that often. It seems a bit too desperate for attention in a class setting. I have seen a few 4 1/2 inch heels, but those just seem way too tame. If I am going to be slutty, I am going to commit to it god damn it. If anyone out there has a good vendor, let me know. Otherwise, the search will continue.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Don't judge a bitch by her blubber aka give that big booty a smack

I have openly shared (not the same as sharing my opening) and don't mind admitting that I have struggled to lose weight. I am working hard, but making slow progress. I am proud of who I am, but I'm still working on being as happy with how I look. Occasionally, I will teach classes when Adena is sick, on vacation, or just needs a break. It has only happened a few times because most women aren't this cunty, but there have been a few occasions where a woman will walk in to a class I am teaching and assume that my (big) butt can't teach her anything.

 I am, as I have said before, not a scrawny girl. I am a size 12 now, down from a 16, but I taught classes at size 16 too. I am sure many more girls thought this and didn't say it out loud and one or two girls decided not to take a class with me and left.  We all make choices about what our money gets spent on every day. Is this coffee worth the money? Is that gallon of lube a bargain at 10% off with 40% more free? That is a lot of fucking math, but I think that works out to getting your axle greased for half off. Too bad I made that whole analogy up or I'd totally throw a link up to that shit.

To have someone look at me and say that she didn't know I'd be teaching and wants to know whether I am planning to charge the same price as the regular teacher, whether she should be charged for the class at all, and as a matter of fact, she thinks she might need to get a free class with the regular instructor to make up for it as well is humiliating. Totally, horribly, humiliating. That is the part where if I wore earrings, I'd be snatching them out of my ears and repeating,"take my  earrings because I am about to cut a bitch" to no one and everyone all at once. No one likes to be looked at, judged, and then called out to be of lesser value,  possibly worth no value at all, and further so completely unacceptable as to require punishment of the regular teacher by getting a free class from her as well.

Who the fuck was this bitch? This was someone who had seen me in class, but she'd never seen me lead the class. Had this been my class I'd have told her to piss up a rope and feel the pissy dribble (10 points if you know what song that refers to, 5 points if you didn't but thought it was funny), but this was not my class. This was Adena's class and her livelihood. You can't fuck with how a bitch earns. So, I gather up every bit of self-control and i think I probably borrowed some as well and invited her to stay and see how she likes it and make her decision at the end. I must have looked like some psychotic Stepford wife.

To her credit, she didn't have a sour puss attitude and she participated and really enjoyed the class. At the end of class she gave me a hug and said how she'd had a great time and had a good workout. I think the fact that she stayed and enjoyed it really helped alleviate the pole hickey my pride had, but being judged in the first place hurt a lot and the fact that she liked the class and said I was good enough helped, but it doesn't completely take away that understanding that I have to be well above average to be accepted. I know her better now and I don't think she  realized how insulting that was. She was just looking out for the fact that some chubby chick was making off with her hard-earned scratch and may not be able to provide the type of experience she wants to pay for.

The best part was the next week when she told me she couldn't walk for days and was so sore she could hardly move. I think that when I teach classes I sometimes feel like I need to overcompensate, especially when I am teaching a class where at least a few of the women can do things I can't. I have learned to have more confidence in who I am and what I do. I don't know of many women who couldn't learn something of they shut their cockholsters and listen for a minute. That, of course, includes me. I think bigger women are drawn to me and I like being someone to aspire to, even if it comes with a little hasty judgment sometimes. Someone where people can see with their own eyes that a bigger girl can do things that they don't believe are possible. I can gesture to all of this and say I can do it just like I am and you can too.

So, if you see me teaching class, watch out bitches because you will feel like a $2 whore with 300 bucks in her pocket all goddamn week when I am done with your ass, no matter how big or small it is.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shit you should like

Make Believe - promo video from Make Believe Clothing on Vimeo.

This is a new segment I am going to call, "Shit you should like". I don't know exactly what I will be featuring every time, but get off my camel toe already, I am just getting started. This is a puss-anal (oooh that looks so much worse than I wanted it to) ahem personal recommendation.

Full disclosure (I think that is a club somewhere in Iowa, but I am pretty sure they are full nude, which I don't prefer. I call those clubs juice boxes because they don't serve alcohol and they are forever waving their clits in the wind and occasionally that wind isn't so fresh, but I digress)-My brother in law has a clothing line called Make Believe, before you get your snatch in a snit, or your nits in an uproar, I shall demonstrate why I like it and then you can decide if I am a promotional whore of the high class variety or of the $2 crack persuasion.

1. He has some amazing shirts (this one is my current favorite ) and even though they have been worn by some super famous people (hey, we've already established that I have no shame, so why start now), he didn't jack up the price like douchebag from Doucheachusetts so that regular people couldn't afford them without selling a kidney. $25 bucks is pretty fucking awesome for a t-shirt these days. That will leave you enough to buy lots of other shit, like stripper shoes, or some glitter, or something to cover your vag with- like panties or whatever. You can figure out your own fucking budget, I'm not getting paid to deal with your personal financial issues.

2. They are the best option I've seen yet for when you have to cover your tits. By all means, show them off, but when they just absolutely must be covered, grab one of these if you like them.

3. Boy works his goddamn ass off - so much respect for a person who risks everything and relies on his own hard work. He's built this company on his own talent. Why should you care about that? The only thing your brother-in-law ever did was fuck your sister -oooh snap.  This is probably the part where I admit that I know he totally did my sister because she's all knocked up. I am so excited about this aunt business, but that is another story for another day.

4. They are for dudes and for ladies. Some of them are made in girly shirts and other ones are totally unisexy. Yeah, I fucking said it.

We are ever so proud of his ass. He has a new line coming out at the end of this month. I'd love to hear about some stuff that you guys like that I can check out. Whether it is a book, music, blogs, artwork, makeup- anything you are in to- I'll check it out. Free booby love to anyone who shows up in class with a Make Believe t-shirt!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

You can come back, baby. The stripper pole never forgets

I went out to dinner with the Pole Mama and our spice (that's the plural for spouse, I am pretty sure). At the end of the evening a lovely young lady came up with the hugest smile and said, "Oh My GOD it is you!" My husband was totally shocked because he's heard about this, but hadn't ever seen it before. I explained that the waitress at the restaurant had seen the 4 of us sitting there and waited until we were finished eating to tell us how much she loved us. She said how she had missed taking classes with us. She'd gotten caught up with things in her life and her work schedule, but would be coming back soon and was so glad to have seen us and hugged us each 3 times and was nearly in tears.

As we walked out of the restaurant my husband was in awe of the rock star treatment. Specifically, he's heard that Adena gets that, but had never seen anyone see me and nearly fall over themselves. I told him that is one of the things I love most about teaching classes. I really get a chance to change how people see themselves and I love that. I know there have been times in my life where it would have been nice to be able to attend a weekly class where people cheered and clapped for me and told me that they missed me and were looking forward to seeing me again.  I know that I am catching some women in exactly that place where times are tough and this class makes a real difference. I don't presume to be the difference, it's the attitude, Adena, all of the women in the class, the exercise, the music, the dancing, and on and on, but I am so proud to be a representative of all of that. For any of you that have drifted away, you can come back, baby, the stripper pole never forgets. For any of you that are reading and haven't yet come in, what more does a bitch have to say to get your silly ass in?

Incidentally, I was wearing a shirt I got in our women's clothing swap to dinner and got quite a few compliments on it. I love, love, love it. We gave the rest of the clothes to the women's shelter.  It was such a fun experience. Lots of nearly naked ladies wading through piles of great clothes and throwing things at each other and trying them on. It was such a fun way to really encourage women to clean out their closets and get rid of the things that they are hanging onto that don't fit or never found the right outfit for. We all came away with some treasures.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Happy Motherfucking Birthday Mama!

Wednesday (8/10) is Adena's birthday. She seems to have forgotten how important it is to honor all of the things she has done and all of the people she has touched (not just in the naughty parts, but in the heart too) and that to accomplish all of that means she's been hanging around this planet a while.

To the best bitch ever to don a thong: Happy Motherfucking Birthday! It takes time to become wise. It takes years to learn a craft, it takes decades to become a man's whole life partner, it takes a few men and a woman or two to truly understand sexy, it takes a few miles in a body to make it powerful, it takes a few tears to truly understand what it means to be happy, it takes hard times to know when it's time to fucking celebrate. It apparently takes some scaly black monkey feet to learn to walk in a stripper shoe. It takes some big old slutty heels to appreciate your slippers. With all of that comes a few gray hairs and maybe a line or two, but isn't the payoff worth the price of admission?

You tell us to be proud of our bodies, regardless of age, size, or shape. You say we should own our strengths and recognize, but not be weighed down by the things we need to improve upon. You tell us to learn to listen. You told me that I need to let people grow and not cheat their process or scare them off by over-correcting. Please spend the anniversary (I won't say which) of your birth recognizing the strength, wisdom, power  you possess and what you mean to people instead of focusing on how long you've been on this planet and the number of gray hairs that may pop up or lines on your face- all of those come from laughing (mainly at my jokes) and learning and that, my friend, is not a bad thing.

Everyone wear a thong and raise a glass to Adena today! Send her your love or show up in class on Wednesday at 6:45 pm and give her some booty love in person.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Pole Dancing Queen Falls Hard - Hilarious

Plug it in and begin.

Practice. It's a shitty word like "homework." People want to practice things about as much as they like paying their taxes. I think the word practice just has a terrible PR team. It's all in the spin ;). Okay, bad joke, but it made me giggle, so it stays. Ladies come into the studio and see something they are impressed with and they always ask, "How did you learn to do that?" My answer always disappoints them because it is the dreaded P-word, practice.

*Breakaway poles -the tension rod type that you can pop up without permanently mounting into the floor or ceiling fucking blow. They call them breakaway because they fucking break. Duh. It's right in the name. All those bitches you laugh at falling on their faces on Youtube are using breakaway poles. It looks funny on Youtube, but they get really hurt. Those poles are for mincing about and walking in circles they are not for spinning or inversions (going upside down) no matter what the advertisement says, they are dangerous. It does not matter what they say the weight limit is on the pole. If you weigh 120 and the pole is rated for 300 lbs, you may be surprised to know that is quite possible that your 120 exceeds 300lbs of force when your body is spinning, particularly if you are spinning with most of your body away from the pole. The other problem with those poles is that if they are not dead level, a few degrees off will send you and the pole flying. I can't be sure, but I suspect this is what happens in most of the Youtube videos

Practice comes in various forms. For pole dancing it is generally in these three areas: fitness, flexibility and fluidity.

Fitness- being able to lift your body, hold your body in the air, support your own weight as you spin on a pole. It's fucking hard to do. If you do not have a pole at home, you can practice the chair routines and the floor show work. If doing sit ups and pushups on a chair is hard for you, then you need to keep doing it.  Every small improvement gets you closer to your goal. Going from half a push-up to a whole push up is actually a marked improvement. It is something you can do at home to make you more prepared for taking on new moves. You cannot escalate the difficulty of the things you do if you do not escalate your preparation for them.

Flexibility- You don't have to be able to be able to put your ankles behind your ears to be able to pole dance, but it sure helps. You can do stretches at home- the same ones we do in class. Yoga helps tremendously. Don't be like one of those douchebag guys with ponytails who tries to outdo everyone with how zen they are and get yourself hurt. Stretch until you can feel the muscles working, never bounce your stretch - very much unlike what they told us to do in gym class. You will not see major changes in a few days, but if you stick with it, you will be more flexible than you thought possible.

Fluidity- Motherfucker this is hard. Fluidity is the culmination of all of the things you learn put together. It is being strong enough to do the move, flexibility helps for making moves look graceful and adds a perceived degree of difficulty and the practice helps you transition smoothly from one move to the next. It takes a fairly fit individual to make it through a 3 minute song.  You cannot have fluidity without practice. It is not possible. It does not matter how strong or flexible you are, you have to be comfortable with each move, your body position, the next move you'll be doing and how to get there. One trick at a time is nice, but a whole dance is a lot more exciting.

Everyone wants an answer like, "sprinkle some glitter all over your body and you will become the best pole dancer ever." It's the same face people make when they ask how I lost 25 pounds. I moved my fat ass more and ate cake less. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it took a while. Pole dancing requires practice. Some of that time will likely need to be at home, doing sit ups, push ups or working on flexibility.  You have to put work in to it if you want results. Simple as that.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Can you seriously walk in those shoes?

Buying a stripper shoe:
1. It must have rubber stoppers on the bottom. It can't just be a tall, slutty looking shoe. It must have rubber stoppers, no compromises.
2. It can be any color you like, or clear if that's how you roll
3. It should have straps if you are really going to dance in it. Strapless shoes can be cute, but when you are dancing, you cannot have a shoe fly off and kill someone - no one will give you dollars for that unless you take out their boss. In that case, they may throw you a parade and give you a key to the city. Strapless shoes are also more likely to fall off while you are walking and you can hurt yourself pretty badly falling off of a 7 inch shoe.

Somehow clear shoes went from Cinderella to Stripperella, but I don't mind. I was never the Cinderella type anyway. My shoes aren't clear, they are hooker red and 7 inches tall. I love them and yes, I can walk in them.  Really, I can. So could you. It takes some practice and we'll show you how to do it without looking like a troll.

Here's the part where I get catty. There's this girl at work...Hey, I thought you weren't like that! I am not like that during the class, but this is an emergency, seriously. Stop interrupting me. There is this girl at work who always wears a dress, always looks really nice and always- every day- wears heels. Keep in mind, they have to repeatedly send out emails at my work about wearing pajama pants and slippers in the winter and ones about bare midriffs and shorty shorts in the summer. But aren't you a stripper? Aren't they supposed to dress like that? Didn't you just tell me to go buy some booty shorts? I take a class to be a stripper. I also have a regular job too where I am a paralegal, stop laughing.

Now that you have gathered yourself back up again, I will continue as though I were not so rudely interrupted. This girl at work always takes great care and likely spends a fair amount of money looking nice from head to toe, but she walks like a troll. It is this horrible shoulders forward, butt out, hunched over, stomping troll walk and it ruins everything she did to look so nice. Well, that and her strange colored lipstick, but that's just mean, so I won't say it. Every time I see her or hear her stomping down the hall like a goddamned sumo wrestler. (I apologize to anyone who enjoys the perfectly legitimate sport of sumo wrestling.) I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in the way they tell you never to shake a baby and say,  "you are so fucking this up! For fuck's sake lady, shoulders back, knees bent slightly, tuck in that rabid beaver before someone shoots it and step lightly, but with your whole foot- no heel/toe, toes slightly out!"

Then she would be forever in my debt and I would just say, really, it's no problem. I always try to help the less fortunate. Then I would invite her to pole class and she'd practice her walking until she stops traffic in the hallways.

Recap on the shoe buying: You can buy any color, rubber stopper, strap on shoe you like. The length is not that important, but bigger is better ;) always. 

I will leave you with what Chris Rock had to say about them,  “When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: “We need something new! Something that just says nasty”…And one girl said: “I got it! Clear heels!” Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”

He also said your only job as a parent is to keep your daughter off of the pole. I guess that's just one more thing to add to the pile of things my parents failed at.  For your listening pleasure I have included a song that I can't seem to get out of my head in the post below.

~Piece out

Foster The People / Pumped Up Kicks

Friday, June 17, 2011

To.get.her together

So all of this prancing about like tart sounds like fun and all, but I just don't think it's for me. I need to lose 30 pounds first, I have a busy life and I am not sure I have the money. I have no fucking time for this. I have a stressful job, kids, a husband, no husband and I need to find one,  I need to get rid of one, I need a boyfriend, girlfriend, need people to just leave me alone, I have no social life because I have shit to do, I have no social life because I have shit on me, will these children ever be able to manage their own body fluids? When? Tell me there is hope!

I know the mom/wife/career (M/W/C) thing is important. It's important to me too. I can tell you that a good  M/W/C needs to recharge her battery. Everyone gets overwhelmed with the bullshit in life, even when it is caused by, or in an effort to, make happy the people we love and in pursuit of things or people we are proud of.

Those are really good reasons to take this class. Didn't you hear me? I said I was fat, broke and busy. What part of that sounds like booty shorts, spend money, take time for me?

First of all, having to lose weight before you exercise is really fucking silly and vain. If you live your whole life waiting to be perfect for the situation, it's all going to pass your ass by with or without the 30 pounds. When my boyfriend (now husband) said he was too old to go to school at 26 and get out of dead end retail jobs I told him this: You will turn 30 and 40 and 50 with or without an education. You can either get off your ass and go get it or shut up about wanting more out of your life and career. Silly him, married my ass after that :). Short story long, he went to school and graduated with a 4.0 because he wanted it, bad.  I gave him a swift kick in the dick, but he did the hard work after that. And so, dear readers, I submit the same to you. Your life will continue to march on toward death whether or not you lose the weight. If you want to lose some weight, then come on in and work your ass off. If you don't want to lose weight, come in to have fun. If you keep saying I can't X until Y, then you will always be waiting for what you want. For what it's worth, you don't have to wear shorts with your beaver peeking out. As long as they are above the knee, you're good.

Okay with the shorty pants. I am still broke. I know there are people who are genuinely, truly broke. I have been there. I am not asking anyone to skip out on their mortgage or decide not to feed their kids to come to pole class. BUT :) (never trust a big but and a smile), many people are not in a truly desperate situation. They are in a situation where they have to choose what they spend money on and what they don't. I won't try to tell you how to spend your money, I just hope that sometimes you might forego something extra- a couple of cups of coffee, a manicure, a pair of shoes you don't really need even though they are on sale- and spend the money with me instead. I think dancing with us is a great value when you consider it is a social event, an evening with adults, a huge self-esteem booster and exercise all in one. I repeat, I am not asking for you to starve your kids or get evicted. It's your choice, I just hope you choose me sometimes.

Still with me? Not too busy to finish reading this post? Busted! Ha! An hour and a half is a lot of time. You can do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, watch a movie or have sex in an hour and a half. Hell if your life is really sad, you might be able to all of that in an hour and a half and you won't even have to choose one. If you can do all of those things in an hour and a half, you really, really need us. Seriously.

In our society, we have moved women from the home into the workplace, which is great. I like using my brain. I am sure you do too. Sometimes more than others, but I digress. We share in the earning, but in many cases, we are taking on most of the other responsibilities as well. I am among the lucky few who has a husband who does way more than his fair share of kid/house duties. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking the beneficiary of your lap dances, a babysitter, or your parents to look after your kids for an hour and a half a week. It is crazy how much an hour and a half a week can change how you see yourself, how you view the week, your life and on and on. It is something to look forward to.

This is truly a place that no matter what your size we will support you. I do not wear shorts outside of class, but I wear them in class. It is nice and dark in there and many of the women have to go buy shorts to wear to class because they are well beyond the booty short stage in life. Really, you only need shorts that go at least a few inches above your knees. As for the 30 pounds? Well, it isn't going to come off just by bitching and hiding. I know, I've tried.

 I hope I have convinced you to try it at least once. I think ideally you'd need 3 classes to get a real sense of what it's like, but give us one hour and a half and then decide. I promise you won't feel like you wasted your time, money or leave feeling worse about yourself- the future is up to you. Consider your dick kicked, your move, bitches, your move!

Piece out

Sunday, June 5, 2011

and now for a break from our regularly scheduled programming

I watched a movie yesterday called The Gymnast, which bore an uncanny similarity to the philosophy of our dance classes. It isn't a bitchy, sabotage your competitors sort of movie. I can't say I totally agree with all of the things that happen in the movie, and I can't reveal those without spoilers, so I'll shut my cockholster about that.

So why do you care that I watched a movie? Because you should watch it too. I understand that you don't go to pole dance class, or lurk on pole dance blogs to get movie reviews, but you are getting one anyway so deal with it. I promise you'll see the value in the story whether you actually commit the time to watching it. Though discussing the inane goings-on of my non-stripperesque life was never the intent of this blog, and still isn't, I found something valuable in it and you can shove it up your twat if you don't like it, though, since I watched it on Netflix, that might be a bit theoretical, but if you bought it on DVD, you could still shove it in your twat, but it might be unwieldy, but not if you rented it because no one wants a twatted dvd, well some people do, anyway use your judgment on that. Enough talking about your twats, very clever of you to distract me...

So what's the damn movie about already? It's about a woman in her early 40s who has a accomplished a lot of things and has a nice home but is unsatisfied. She has maintained an extraordinary level of fitness and continues to try to push herself and hasn't found her direction. She wanders in to a gymnastics studio and observes for a few minutes, but the classes are all little girls, so she leaves. The teacher sees her walking out and runs after her saying that she has something that is much more interesting that a girls' gymnastics class, gives her an address and a time.

When she shows up at the mystery location, the women are learning how to do aerial dancing (like cirque du Soleil) big strip of fabric hanging down from a very tall ceiling and they climb up it and wrap it in a specific way so they can twirl and roll down it. It is really neat to watch, and the movie is worth watching for this part alone. They have a non-competitive environment that is encouraging woman-centered and the dancing is athletic and beautiful.

Sounds gay. Well, in a word, yes. It is gay. It is a movie that contains lesbians.

I don't eat snatch, so I don't think I want to watch that move. The lesbian relationship is one of the themes of the movie, but not the only one. It is not a porno and if you are looking for a skin flick, this isn't it. I think too many people reject gay films because they contain gay themes. We don't think of all of the other movies as "hetero" films and this one should be seen because it is a good movie, not because it is a gay movie. It is not the best movie I've ever seen, but the environment they create in their small aerial class is worth seeing and aside from the developing lesbian relationship, is much like the environment I see in our class. If you are still not convinced, at least check out the images from the movie.

Congratulations if you made it this far. I promise this will not be a lame-ass movie review site. Why did I waste my time telling you about a lesbian movie that you will not likely watch? Yesterday I watched The Gymnast, then went to stripper class. During the course of the class, I spoke to one girl who is training her ass off, or perhaps more accurately, training her ass on, to do a figure competition, which is a competition where women wear bikinis and show the definition in their muscles. As I was talking with her about her progress and training, I turned to another woman who would probably be really interested in such a thing as she's incredibly fit as well and got the two of them talking about the competition and training.

Who knows where that will go for them, but it is possible that our little pole dancing class has given these two women an opportunity to workout, have fun, be sexy and find a new friend and another avenue to embrace being a woman, a friend, fitness freak and express a form of womanly athleticism that is expressed in a totally different way. I love that this class brings strong, intelligent women together and teaches them to support each other in all the areas of their lives. That supportive environment encourages them to share, sometimes about outside interests, sometimes about problems, sometimes about jobs that are open or products/services that they have heard of. Had I not been truly, genuinely interested in what I'd heard about this figure competition and had I not thought of the body type and interests of another woman, this may not have happened.

So it's like one big aren't- you-fucking-fabulous jerk-off session about how great you are and everyone's life is empty without you? Yep. Well, okay, not really. I am definitely not the only woman who has made connections through this class and all I did was care about their lives and interests and put them together.

All right I'll watch the fucking movie already, where can I find it? I found it on my Netflix instant queue. It's available for streaming, so you don't have to wait for a DVD.  I don't know where else it is available.

Piece out

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The post in which I "A the 'F' out of your Q's"

Sometimes we have girls come in who are seeing things that take months or years to learn correctly who just decide to fling themselves at a pole (sometimes upside down) and try it because they assume that if we can do it; they can do it.  Occasionally, you need to keep your twat away from the pole and learn something first.

But I thought you said this was a supportive environment?

It is. I promise. It really is. The thing is, no one means to be bitchy about it, but just because someone makes it look easy doesn't mean it is. We would hate to have someone get hurt. I would be happy to teach anyone anything they want to learn, but to do a move upside down from 6 feet in the air does not happen 20 minutes into class. Part of supporting you is making sure you don't break your neck. In this situation - depending on what the person has her sights set on- I will show one part of the move at a time and sometimes show the "baby move" or preliminary steps to doing the more impressive move. I will celebrate like hell with you when you get to the "big girl" version. I'll spot you, I'll encourage you, but ask for help when you want to do something you haven't done before.

But I am totally in shape and I am super flexible and if you can do it, I could totally do it, right?

Um, in a word, no. I have been doing this for 4 years and I am somewhere between a size 12 and a 14, so by no means a tiny girl, but I am pretty strong and I have experience. (Recently lost 20 lbs and still working hard - go me!) I have heard this from countless girls who are in better shape and more flexible than I am. I don't think they mean to be rude, I think they just really believe it to be so.

Here is what I tell them: I've been doing this for 4 years, you've been at this for 45 minutes. You may very well be able to do this particular move in less time than it took me to learn because you are in great shape, and that's great, but there is more to this than being thin and flexible. You have to be pretty strong, you have to know how to grip the pole, you have to know how to reposition your body to complete the move, you have to be pretty confident about what you are supposed to be holding on with - your knee, one hand, two hands, thighs, feet, etc. and that takes experience, which is the one thing I do have.

So I should never try anything or ask you to show me anything because it's rude, right?

No! Not at all, please, please, please ask us, try things! Here is the best way to do that: first, if you see something you think is neat, ask about it. Ask if you can see it again- who doesn't love having someone admire their accomplishment? Ask if the person can show you how it's done. Most importantly, ask for a spotter, or two if necessary. If you are strong and flexible, I may be able to teach you something that took me 2 years to learn in 10 minutes and you may be able to do it better than I will ever be able to, but I want you to do it safely.

So, to break this shit down. Yes I will help you. Yes, I will show you how. No, it is not at all nice to assume you can do it because someone else did who has years of experience that you don't. Yes, it's really good to ask about something you'd like to learn. Yes, I'd love to show you again. Yes, I will show you everything that it is safe for you to learn and keep working with you until you get it. No, I won't be mad at you. Yes, I will spot you. No, I do not think I am better than you, I just have more experience and I will share that experience with you in a way that makes you better at pole dancing and keeps you safe because a neck brace isn't sexy - even if you are thin and flexible.

I would never presume that I could walk in to your job, kick your snatch out of the chair, plop my butt down and do your job just as well as you do. I bet, with your help and experience I could learn what you do. There may be things you do that I'll never be good at and others that I require little to no help on, but as a whole, I'd need some guidance.  Stop and think for a minute and I think you'll agree. Besides, spotting you means I get to grab a little ass and I am all about that!

If you have questions or comments, please post them, I'd be happy to answer anything anyone wants to know or start a discussion about something.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasies

I am not sexy. I don't do sexy. I am an athelete, a ballet dancer, a serious woman,  a housewife, a geek, too tall, too short, too fat, to scrawny, too shy, my boobs are too small, my thighs are too big. I am just not pretty enough, or not pretty in that way. So I will look stupid, I will laugh, he will laugh, she will laugh, they will all laugh. I will throw up, or fall down or break his nose, or worse, his dick. Everyone else is going to have perfect balance, grace and a fuck me face that turns all men to jelly and probably some women too.

The truth is, many people are not inherently sexy. They don't ooze sex with every step, every breath. It is a skill and you can learn it. We, as women, are often taught that we can either be smart or sexy. We can be athletic or sexy. We can be graceful or sexy. We can be a thousand things, but we can't also be sexy. Only disreputable, slutty, nasty, gross, trashy women can be sexy because they cannot have any other positive qualities. Sexy means you have nothing else to offer but sex, right?

Um, yeah, bullshit! You're asking me, sugar would I lie to you? No. I won't lie. I won't tell you that your awkward, brainy self will penetrate the threshold of our hallowed studio and a sex bomb will explode all over the doorway and strut her ass in. The truth is sexy is a skill, you can work on it. You may not ever be Marilyn Monroe, but there is an alternate universe where you are all the things that make you successful and sexy at the same time. You don't have to choose one.

Sexy = confidence and confidence= sexy. All of you math geeks out there will look at that and say, that's an answer to a question, how do I get there? Where's the equation? Therein lies the rub, you have to find it. I know that sounds all existential, but that's why this is so hard. You have to find a new way of seeing the woman you think you already know. Some people are just one compliment and a smack on the ass away from full on sex goddess and other people have a thousand baby steps to go.

Who has two thumbs and has a thousand baby steps to go? This bitch. Okay, so a thousand baby steps is a long way, and a long way, is well, a long way. Dance class is a great way to take one teensy step at a time while avoiding humiliation in the eyes of the object of your romantic fancy. My best advice- start with eye contact. If you can't bear to look yourself in the eye, then look at someone else, just for a few seconds. Listen to the cheers of the women around you. We don't lie. We just see you in a different way, from a whole new perspective.

I don't lie, I can't. I am just not wired that way. What I can do is look at each woman when they walk through the door and see where they are at with being openly sexy and note each minute bit of progress. For some women it is taking out the ponytail holder, for some it's a solid smack on their own ass, for others it's a smile when they look in the mirror, for others it is as simple as creating a curve from all of their right angles.

I will never yell out, smack a butt, give a high five or a hug to anyone under false pretenses. I won't lie and I will notice even if you think I didn't. I will see that tiny bit of shake when you think no one else is looking and I will celebrate it. I will celebrate with you, or at you or about you if I have to, but I won't let it escape unnoticed. If you add up a thousand of those, you can turn on your inner sex bomb any time you want to and you will not be able to avoid being more confident with all of the things you do.  What is more important than the sex machine you create is learning to notice and celebrate your little victories and look back from where you are now to where you were. You will make a goal and take the thousand steps from where you are to where you want to be and it will spill out all over the rest of your life whether you want it to or not. I believe that is why women walk away loving themselves more in every aspect of their lives. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Come on Barbie, Let's go Party

We have a busy weekend of bachelorette parties coming up. Spring isn't really in the air, but it is definitely wedding season. We have three parties on Saturday and if it is anything like last Saturday it will be a lot of fun - classes back -to -back from 2:45 to 9:30 ish.

I think the best part of the bachelorette pole class is when the mothers and mothers-in-law come to the class with the bride. We have had some incredible mothers who clearly have fantastic relationships with their daughters and just have a riot. I know there are plenty of great mothers out there who just simply could not be a part of pole dance classes with their daughters, but the ones we see that are yelling and clapping and snapping photos are inspiring.

We know a pole class can be intimidating and when you are having a party, you may as well have a drink or two. Some bachelorettes walk in ready to spin and shake it and others need to find a bit of liquid courage. We won't let anyone drink to the point of being wasted - obviously spinning and balance are impaired at that point, but a cocktail in your cockholster sometimes loosens you up a bit. Last weekend we had some absolutely fucking fantastic watermelon/malibu jello shots courtesy of one generous bride. Those are totally my new best friend.

Not to diminish our girls who just come to party with friends or are celebrating a birthday, but the bachelorettes are my favorite. They are always really happy and anxiously anticipating the next couple of weeks and are looking to pick up a few honeymoon surprises.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

These cunts don't do country

Dancing 3x per week means that we are constantly trying to find different music to dance to. We try to vary the type of music that we play- some pop, some older rock, some cock rock (80s hair metal) and some modern rock and even the occasional disco song, but no country. If you are going to have a class that spans many ages and backgrounds, you have to try to appeal to a lot of different people, which inevitably means that our personal music collections are not always enough to get the job done. Even songs you like get old after hearing it over and over, so it's nice to bring in something fresh every now and then.

Lots of girls have made cd's for us over the years and they are all named Dance class, CD for Adena, or some variant of Sexy Pole Music.  The problem with all mixed CD's is that there is no one name for them and though I poke fun at that when I am digging through the CD's looking for dance music. I had the same problem when I made a CD, absolutely no clue what to name it, so I named it Jaime made this 2011, lick my butt if you don't like it.

When creating your playlist of doom please keep a few things in mind:
1. we really try to avoid songs with the N word. Yes, I am aware that sailors stand with mouths agape when I fire off some colorful language, but one word you won't hear me say or see me type is the N word. It's just fucking horrible and offensive and I don't care what color your skin is, I think it is beyond low-class to throw it around and we would hate to offend someone else who has a far more personal relationship with that word than I'll ever see.
2. Please make an entire CD, one that is about an hour and 15 minutes long. A cd with 3 songs on it totally chaps my ass and not in a good way.
3. For fuck's sake name it something that identifies what it is - Sarah- fave 80s pop- or some such shit. (I didn't do that, but I was being an ass and even if I hadn't put my name on it, people would have known it was me because, well, I'm an ass.)
4. It would be nice to have a variety of different kinds of music on one CD. Change up the tempo, don't use all the same artist.
5. We don't use country music, it doesn't lend itself well to pole dancing and also, I hate it and I control the CD player.
6. If you love it, ignore all the shit I said above. If you love it, someone else will too, and if they don't well fuck them and dance your own ass off. 

  I lean toward the hard rock, so most of the songs on my CD are hard rock, but there are a few slower warm-up songs, and a few unexpected songs sprinkled in. here's the track list:
  1. Me So Horny ~ Richard Cheese
  2. Tainted Love ~ Marilyn Manson
  3. Psychotic Girl ~The black keys
  4. I'll Be Your Man ~ The Black Keys
  5. Cypress Grove ~ Clutch
  6. The Path Before Me ~ The Buffalo Killers
  7. Sweet Charity ~ Mr. Bungle
  8. She Rides ~ Danzig
  9. Fuck You ~ Cee-lo
  10. Lying is the Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off ~ Panic! At the Disco
  11. Cold Hard Bitch ~ JET
  12. Fat Bottom Girls ~ Queen
  13. Sugar Daddy ~ Soundtrack from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
  14. What!? ~ Rob Zombie
  15. Porn Star Dancing ~ My Darkest Days Featuring Ludacris
  16. Knockers ~ The Darkness
  17. Kinda I Want To ~ Nine Inch Nails
  18. Motherless Child ~ Clutch
  19. Wynona's Big Brown Beaver ~ Primus

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Misconceptions about pole classes

  • I can't go to a pole class if I weigh more than 90 pounds.
  • Mothers & Grandmothers can't go to pole classes.
  • Everyone there will be smoking hot, 10,15,20 years younger than I am, and immensely talented.
  • Pole classes are meant for women who plan to work in clubs.
  • The teacher and other students will judge me.
There are hundreds more reasons that women come up with not to attend a pole class. Here are the facts, at least in our classes at Women's Exotic Workout, in Omaha, Nebraska
  • Women of all sizes are sexy and full-figured women have plenty of curves to show off that some petite girls would kill for.
  • Women of all ages and backgrounds can have a great time and get a great workout at a pole class. Being sexy and having sex is not only for 22 year-olds. If you are having sex (and we know you are, or are hoping to in the future), then pole class can be an excellent way to show the confidence that a mature woman has.
  • Everyone comes in the door, regardless of age, with something to learn. For some it is confidence, for some it is strength or grace or just plain nerve, but having an ass so tight you can bounce a quarter off of it is not required at all.
  • There are some girls who work in clubs currently who come to learn a few tricks, but the vast majority of women who attend our pole classes have absolutely no intention of working in a club and come for the workout and to have a ridiculous amount of fun.
  • We believe that pole dancing is a great bonding experience for women, an opportunity to support and cheer for our girlfriends and we simply do not allow competition or judgment. Our goal is to help every woman feel sexier and more confident inside and out. We also believe that confidence will spill over into every aspect of your life.