Sunday, October 23, 2011

When I am through with you, there won't be anything left

Ladies come to class wanting to learn things that will make their friends swoon and their men stand at attention. On the first day, they want to be upside down 13 feet in the air and graceful and powerful. They want to be transformed in 75 minutes.We want you to do all that too. We might need to negotiate the timeline. We'd love to support your desire to do things you never thought possible. I have been there and I remember how incredible it feels to do something you never imagined you could and to look at something and say I want to do that. There are still things I see that make me believe that the laws of gravity must make an exception for our pole mama. We'd just really like you not to be stupid about it. When you do something that is potentially dangerous, you need to know what you are going to do before you get up there, how to get down if it doesn't work, and be able to trust that your grip is correct, so that if you are sliding down the pole head first, you know what to do. We'd love to see you waving from the top of the pole. We'd like to see what you look like face down, ass up. Sometimes, that's pretty hot. Sometimes it is goddamned ridiculous.

Usually, I would say I look goddamned hot, but on Saturday I was upside down and holding on with my ankles and laughing so hard that I nearly let go. My ankles were holding me on to the pole, but I could not maintain my position. I was sliding down and laughing my ass off because I just could not get a grip on the pole. I tried doing a sit up to get back up and just kept sinking toward the floor. At that point, I just gave up and went on down to the floor in a safe, but decidedly unglamorous way.

I looked like the stripper equivalent of a $2 whore. The sort that isn't going to cost you much, but where you leave thinking you wished you'd saved up some more scratch before you blew it on some low-rent snatch.  I just totally rhymed that shit. Maybe I will need to do some stripper poetry. Hooker haiku. Stripper Sonnets. Cunty couplets. Iambic pentameter- shit, I don't have one for that.

Sorry, I just totally took you off on a tangent, anyway my indecent descent wasn't dangerous because I knew how to grip on with my ankles and trusted that would hold me on- and it did, it just didn't hold me up- which is usually the job of your calves. I also know about 10 different ways to safely extract myself from that position, so I wasn't concerned at all. A new person might have experienced that a totally different way because she would not have that understanding of the grip, or have at her disposal a number of ways to get down other than crashing on her face and that feeling is scary, even if you have someone there to spot you and it all works out fine.

Whilst making my descent, albeit very ungracefully, the thought occurred to me, "Maybe I need a fucking helmet". Wouldn't that be hot? Think I could make it catch on like syphilis in a frat house? I am thinking something that matches my shoes? or perhaps a more obvious choice is a Glitter helmet. I have attached a link for any of you who are nodding your head along with everything I said and thinking, "I do that!" Every stripper is looking for more ways to incorporate sparkles, why not as headgear? Clearly a glitter helmet is the answer for the klutzy sexpot. I could totally rock that shit, right? Maybe it will prevent the need for a glittery neckbrace.

The excitement to learn is one of the best parts of this stripper gig. I can't even count the number of lady bits I see in a week sometimes.  We love enthusiasm. We adore ladies who are so excited they can't contain their desire to do everything all at once. We'd also love to show you how to do everything you want to learn. Some days that will be all about learning dance moves and spins. Other days, it will be about building the strength and different grips necessary to do the big stuff. Sometimes, it may seem lame and like you didn't get anything "good" out of today's class, it is really important.  Especially when you get the chance to do something new and don't have to freak out wondering how the fuck do I get my silly twat back down from here if I realize that I cannot position myself correctly? No one ever wants to learn that. The time to learn it is not while you are upside down and struggling to hold your body weight up and figuring out how to get into position and deciding whether you are going to fall or not and Adena is yelling, "Put your left hand down! No, right hand, no, left, yes, left!"  The time to learn how to get back down if you need to is before your get your snatch up over your skull.

People assume that if it looks easy, it is easy. To that I say, do you have any idea how hard and how long I work to make this shit look easy? How many different moves I learn that I can use to get back down if I need to? How many different grips I know to get out if I just can't make this shit happen? I would love to teach you all of that so that you can do a ton of cool stuff and not need a bedazzled wheelchair when it is over.

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