Can you seriously walk in those shoes?

Buying a stripper shoe:
1. It must have rubber stoppers on the bottom. It can't just be a tall, slutty looking shoe. It must have rubber stoppers, no compromises.
2. It can be any color you like, or clear if that's how you roll
3. It should have straps if you are really going to dance in it. Strapless shoes can be cute, but when you are dancing, you cannot have a shoe fly off and kill someone - no one will give you dollars for that unless you take out their boss. In that case, they may throw you a parade and give you a key to the city. Strapless shoes are also more likely to fall off while you are walking and you can hurt yourself pretty badly falling off of a 7 inch shoe.

Somehow clear shoes went from Cinderella to Stripperella, but I don't mind. I was never the Cinderella type anyway. My shoes aren't clear, they are hooker red and 7 inches tall. I love them and yes, I can walk in them.  Really, I can. So could you. It takes some practice and we'll show you how to do it without looking like a troll.

Here's the part where I get catty. There's this girl at work...Hey, I thought you weren't like that! I am not like that during the class, but this is an emergency, seriously. Stop interrupting me. There is this girl at work who always wears a dress, always looks really nice and always- every day- wears heels. Keep in mind, they have to repeatedly send out emails at my work about wearing pajama pants and slippers in the winter and ones about bare midriffs and shorty shorts in the summer. But aren't you a stripper? Aren't they supposed to dress like that? Didn't you just tell me to go buy some booty shorts? I take a class to be a stripper. I also have a regular job too where I am a paralegal, stop laughing.

Now that you have gathered yourself back up again, I will continue as though I were not so rudely interrupted. This girl at work always takes great care and likely spends a fair amount of money looking nice from head to toe, but she walks like a troll. It is this horrible shoulders forward, butt out, hunched over, stomping troll walk and it ruins everything she did to look so nice. Well, that and her strange colored lipstick, but that's just mean, so I won't say it. Every time I see her or hear her stomping down the hall like a goddamned sumo wrestler. (I apologize to anyone who enjoys the perfectly legitimate sport of sumo wrestling.) I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in the way they tell you never to shake a baby and say,  "you are so fucking this up! For fuck's sake lady, shoulders back, knees bent slightly, tuck in that rabid beaver before someone shoots it and step lightly, but with your whole foot- no heel/toe, toes slightly out!"

Then she would be forever in my debt and I would just say, really, it's no problem. I always try to help the less fortunate. Then I would invite her to pole class and she'd practice her walking until she stops traffic in the hallways.

Recap on the shoe buying: You can buy any color, rubber stopper, strap on shoe you like. The length is not that important, but bigger is better ;) always. 

I will leave you with what Chris Rock had to say about them,  “When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: “We need something new! Something that just says nasty”…And one girl said: “I got it! Clear heels!” Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”

He also said your only job as a parent is to keep your daughter off of the pole. I guess that's just one more thing to add to the pile of things my parents failed at.  For your listening pleasure I have included a song that I can't seem to get out of my head in the post below.

~Piece out

Foster The People / Pumped Up Kicks

To.get.her together

So all of this prancing about like tart sounds like fun and all, but I just don't think it's for me. I need to lose 30 pounds first, I have a busy life and I am not sure I have the money. I have no fucking time for this. I have a stressful job, kids, a husband, no husband and I need to find one,  I need to get rid of one, I need a boyfriend, girlfriend, need people to just leave me alone, I have no social life because I have shit to do, I have no social life because I have shit on me, will these children ever be able to manage their own body fluids? When? Tell me there is hope!

I know the mom/wife/career (M/W/C) thing is important. It's important to me too. I can tell you that a good  M/W/C needs to recharge her battery. Everyone gets overwhelmed with the bullshit in life, even when it is caused by, or in an effort to, make happy the people we love and in pursuit of things or people we are proud of.

Those are really good reasons to take this class. Didn't you hear me? I said I was fat, broke and busy. What part of that sounds like booty shorts, spend money, take time for me?

First of all, having to lose weight before you exercise is really fucking silly and vain. If you live your whole life waiting to be perfect for the situation, it's all going to pass your ass by with or without the 30 pounds. When my boyfriend (now husband) said he was too old to go to school at 26 and get out of dead end retail jobs I told him this: You will turn 30 and 40 and 50 with or without an education. You can either get off your ass and go get it or shut up about wanting more out of your life and career. Silly him, married my ass after that :). Short story long, he went to school and graduated with a 4.0 because he wanted it, bad.  I gave him a swift kick in the dick, but he did the hard work after that. And so, dear readers, I submit the same to you. Your life will continue to march on toward death whether or not you lose the weight. If you want to lose some weight, then come on in and work your ass off. If you don't want to lose weight, come in to have fun. If you keep saying I can't X until Y, then you will always be waiting for what you want. For what it's worth, you don't have to wear shorts with your beaver peeking out. As long as they are above the knee, you're good.

Okay with the shorty pants. I am still broke. I know there are people who are genuinely, truly broke. I have been there. I am not asking anyone to skip out on their mortgage or decide not to feed their kids to come to pole class. BUT :) (never trust a big but and a smile), many people are not in a truly desperate situation. They are in a situation where they have to choose what they spend money on and what they don't. I won't try to tell you how to spend your money, I just hope that sometimes you might forego something extra- a couple of cups of coffee, a manicure, a pair of shoes you don't really need even though they are on sale- and spend the money with me instead. I think dancing with us is a great value when you consider it is a social event, an evening with adults, a huge self-esteem booster and exercise all in one. I repeat, I am not asking for you to starve your kids or get evicted. It's your choice, I just hope you choose me sometimes.

Still with me? Not too busy to finish reading this post? Busted! Ha! An hour and a half is a lot of time. You can do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, watch a movie or have sex in an hour and a half. Hell if your life is really sad, you might be able to all of that in an hour and a half and you won't even have to choose one. If you can do all of those things in an hour and a half, you really, really need us. Seriously.

In our society, we have moved women from the home into the workplace, which is great. I like using my brain. I am sure you do too. Sometimes more than others, but I digress. We share in the earning, but in many cases, we are taking on most of the other responsibilities as well. I am among the lucky few who has a husband who does way more than his fair share of kid/house duties. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking the beneficiary of your lap dances, a babysitter, or your parents to look after your kids for an hour and a half a week. It is crazy how much an hour and a half a week can change how you see yourself, how you view the week, your life and on and on. It is something to look forward to.

This is truly a place that no matter what your size we will support you. I do not wear shorts outside of class, but I wear them in class. It is nice and dark in there and many of the women have to go buy shorts to wear to class because they are well beyond the booty short stage in life. Really, you only need shorts that go at least a few inches above your knees. As for the 30 pounds? Well, it isn't going to come off just by bitching and hiding. I know, I've tried.

 I hope I have convinced you to try it at least once. I think ideally you'd need 3 classes to get a real sense of what it's like, but give us one hour and a half and then decide. I promise you won't feel like you wasted your time, money or leave feeling worse about yourself- the future is up to you. Consider your dick kicked, your move, bitches, your move!

Piece out

and now for a break from our regularly scheduled programming

I watched a movie yesterday called The Gymnast, which bore an uncanny similarity to the philosophy of our dance classes. It isn't a bitchy, sabotage your competitors sort of movie. I can't say I totally agree with all of the things that happen in the movie, and I can't reveal those without spoilers, so I'll shut my cockholster about that.

So why do you care that I watched a movie? Because you should watch it too. I understand that you don't go to pole dance class, or lurk on pole dance blogs to get movie reviews, but you are getting one anyway so deal with it. I promise you'll see the value in the story whether you actually commit the time to watching it. Though discussing the inane goings-on of my non-stripperesque life was never the intent of this blog, and still isn't, I found something valuable in it and you can shove it up your twat if you don't like it, though, since I watched it on Netflix, that might be a bit theoretical, but if you bought it on DVD, you could still shove it in your twat, but it might be unwieldy, but not if you rented it because no one wants a twatted dvd, well some people do, anyway use your judgment on that. Enough talking about your twats, very clever of you to distract me...

So what's the damn movie about already? It's about a woman in her early 40s who has a accomplished a lot of things and has a nice home but is unsatisfied. She has maintained an extraordinary level of fitness and continues to try to push herself and hasn't found her direction. She wanders in to a gymnastics studio and observes for a few minutes, but the classes are all little girls, so she leaves. The teacher sees her walking out and runs after her saying that she has something that is much more interesting that a girls' gymnastics class, gives her an address and a time.

When she shows up at the mystery location, the women are learning how to do aerial dancing (like cirque du Soleil) big strip of fabric hanging down from a very tall ceiling and they climb up it and wrap it in a specific way so they can twirl and roll down it. It is really neat to watch, and the movie is worth watching for this part alone. They have a non-competitive environment that is encouraging woman-centered and the dancing is athletic and beautiful.

Sounds gay. Well, in a word, yes. It is gay. It is a movie that contains lesbians.

I don't eat snatch, so I don't think I want to watch that move. The lesbian relationship is one of the themes of the movie, but not the only one. It is not a porno and if you are looking for a skin flick, this isn't it. I think too many people reject gay films because they contain gay themes. We don't think of all of the other movies as "hetero" films and this one should be seen because it is a good movie, not because it is a gay movie. It is not the best movie I've ever seen, but the environment they create in their small aerial class is worth seeing and aside from the developing lesbian relationship, is much like the environment I see in our class. If you are still not convinced, at least check out the images from the movie.

Congratulations if you made it this far. I promise this will not be a lame-ass movie review site. Why did I waste my time telling you about a lesbian movie that you will not likely watch? Yesterday I watched The Gymnast, then went to stripper class. During the course of the class, I spoke to one girl who is training her ass off, or perhaps more accurately, training her ass on, to do a figure competition, which is a competition where women wear bikinis and show the definition in their muscles. As I was talking with her about her progress and training, I turned to another woman who would probably be really interested in such a thing as she's incredibly fit as well and got the two of them talking about the competition and training.

Who knows where that will go for them, but it is possible that our little pole dancing class has given these two women an opportunity to workout, have fun, be sexy and find a new friend and another avenue to embrace being a woman, a friend, fitness freak and express a form of womanly athleticism that is expressed in a totally different way. I love that this class brings strong, intelligent women together and teaches them to support each other in all the areas of their lives. That supportive environment encourages them to share, sometimes about outside interests, sometimes about problems, sometimes about jobs that are open or products/services that they have heard of. Had I not been truly, genuinely interested in what I'd heard about this figure competition and had I not thought of the body type and interests of another woman, this may not have happened.

So it's like one big aren't- you-fucking-fabulous jerk-off session about how great you are and everyone's life is empty without you? Yep. Well, okay, not really. I am definitely not the only woman who has made connections through this class and all I did was care about their lives and interests and put them together.

All right I'll watch the fucking movie already, where can I find it? I found it on my Netflix instant queue. It's available for streaming, so you don't have to wait for a DVD.  I don't know where else it is available.


Piece out

The post in which I "A the 'F' out of your Q's"

Sometimes we have girls come in who are seeing things that take months or years to learn correctly who just decide to fling themselves at a pole (sometimes upside down) and try it because they assume that if we can do it; they can do it.  Occasionally, you need to keep your twat away from the pole and learn something first.

But I thought you said this was a supportive environment?

It is. I promise. It really is. The thing is, no one means to be bitchy about it, but just because someone makes it look easy doesn't mean it is. We would hate to have someone get hurt. I would be happy to teach anyone anything they want to learn, but to do a move upside down from 6 feet in the air does not happen 20 minutes into class. Part of supporting you is making sure you don't break your neck. In this situation - depending on what the person has her sights set on- I will show one part of the move at a time and sometimes show the "baby move" or preliminary steps to doing the more impressive move. I will celebrate like hell with you when you get to the "big girl" version. I'll spot you, I'll encourage you, but ask for help when you want to do something you haven't done before.

But I am totally in shape and I am super flexible and if you can do it, I could totally do it, right?

Um, in a word, no. I have been doing this for 4 years and I am somewhere between a size 12 and a 14, so by no means a tiny girl, but I am pretty strong and I have experience. (Recently lost 20 lbs and still working hard - go me!) I have heard this from countless girls who are in better shape and more flexible than I am. I don't think they mean to be rude, I think they just really believe it to be so.

Here is what I tell them: I've been doing this for 4 years, you've been at this for 45 minutes. You may very well be able to do this particular move in less time than it took me to learn because you are in great shape, and that's great, but there is more to this than being thin and flexible. You have to be pretty strong, you have to know how to grip the pole, you have to know how to reposition your body to complete the move, you have to be pretty confident about what you are supposed to be holding on with - your knee, one hand, two hands, thighs, feet, etc. and that takes experience, which is the one thing I do have.

So I should never try anything or ask you to show me anything because it's rude, right?

No! Not at all, please, please, please ask us, try things! Here is the best way to do that: first, if you see something you think is neat, ask about it. Ask if you can see it again- who doesn't love having someone admire their accomplishment? Ask if the person can show you how it's done. Most importantly, ask for a spotter, or two if necessary. If you are strong and flexible, I may be able to teach you something that took me 2 years to learn in 10 minutes and you may be able to do it better than I will ever be able to, but I want you to do it safely.

So, to break this shit down. Yes I will help you. Yes, I will show you how. No, it is not at all nice to assume you can do it because someone else did who has years of experience that you don't. Yes, it's really good to ask about something you'd like to learn. Yes, I'd love to show you again. Yes, I will show you everything that it is safe for you to learn and keep working with you until you get it. No, I won't be mad at you. Yes, I will spot you. No, I do not think I am better than you, I just have more experience and I will share that experience with you in a way that makes you better at pole dancing and keeps you safe because a neck brace isn't sexy - even if you are thin and flexible.

I would never presume that I could walk in to your job, kick your snatch out of the chair, plop my butt down and do your job just as well as you do. I bet, with your help and experience I could learn what you do. There may be things you do that I'll never be good at and others that I require little to no help on, but as a whole, I'd need some guidance.  Stop and think for a minute and I think you'll agree. Besides, spotting you means I get to grab a little ass and I am all about that!

If you have questions or comments, please post them, I'd be happy to answer anything anyone wants to know or start a discussion about something.

jaime

You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasies

I am not sexy. I don't do sexy. I am an athelete, a ballet dancer, a serious woman,  a housewife, a geek, too tall, too short, too fat, to scrawny, too shy, my boobs are too small, my thighs are too big. I am just not pretty enough, or not pretty in that way. So I will look stupid, I will laugh, he will laugh, she will laugh, they will all laugh. I will throw up, or fall down or break his nose, or worse, his dick. Everyone else is going to have perfect balance, grace and a fuck me face that turns all men to jelly and probably some women too.

The truth is, many people are not inherently sexy. They don't ooze sex with every step, every breath. It is a skill and you can learn it. We, as women, are often taught that we can either be smart or sexy. We can be athletic or sexy. We can be graceful or sexy. We can be a thousand things, but we can't also be sexy. Only disreputable, slutty, nasty, gross, trashy women can be sexy because they cannot have any other positive qualities. Sexy means you have nothing else to offer but sex, right?

Um, yeah, bullshit! You're asking me, sugar would I lie to you? No. I won't lie. I won't tell you that your awkward, brainy self will penetrate the threshold of our hallowed studio and a sex bomb will explode all over the doorway and strut her ass in. The truth is sexy is a skill, you can work on it. You may not ever be Marilyn Monroe, but there is an alternate universe where you are all the things that make you successful and sexy at the same time. You don't have to choose one.

Sexy = confidence and confidence= sexy. All of you math geeks out there will look at that and say, that's an answer to a question, how do I get there? Where's the equation? Therein lies the rub, you have to find it. I know that sounds all existential, but that's why this is so hard. You have to find a new way of seeing the woman you think you already know. Some people are just one compliment and a smack on the ass away from full on sex goddess and other people have a thousand baby steps to go.

Who has two thumbs and has a thousand baby steps to go? This bitch. Okay, so a thousand baby steps is a long way, and a long way, is well, a long way. Dance class is a great way to take one teensy step at a time while avoiding humiliation in the eyes of the object of your romantic fancy. My best advice- start with eye contact. If you can't bear to look yourself in the eye, then look at someone else, just for a few seconds. Listen to the cheers of the women around you. We don't lie. We just see you in a different way, from a whole new perspective.

I don't lie, I can't. I am just not wired that way. What I can do is look at each woman when they walk through the door and see where they are at with being openly sexy and note each minute bit of progress. For some women it is taking out the ponytail holder, for some it's a solid smack on their own ass, for others it's a smile when they look in the mirror, for others it is as simple as creating a curve from all of their right angles.

I will never yell out, smack a butt, give a high five or a hug to anyone under false pretenses. I won't lie and I will notice even if you think I didn't. I will see that tiny bit of shake when you think no one else is looking and I will celebrate it. I will celebrate with you, or at you or about you if I have to, but I won't let it escape unnoticed. If you add up a thousand of those, you can turn on your inner sex bomb any time you want to and you will not be able to avoid being more confident with all of the things you do.  What is more important than the sex machine you create is learning to notice and celebrate your little victories and look back from where you are now to where you were. You will make a goal and take the thousand steps from where you are to where you want to be and it will spill out all over the rest of your life whether you want it to or not. I believe that is why women walk away loving themselves more in every aspect of their lives. 

Come on Barbie, Let's go Party

We have a busy weekend of bachelorette parties coming up. Spring isn't really in the air, but it is definitely wedding season. We have three parties on Saturday and if it is anything like last Saturday it will be a lot of fun - classes back -to -back from 2:45 to 9:30 ish.

I think the best part of the bachelorette pole class is when the mothers and mothers-in-law come to the class with the bride. We have had some incredible mothers who clearly have fantastic relationships with their daughters and just have a riot. I know there are plenty of great mothers out there who just simply could not be a part of pole dance classes with their daughters, but the ones we see that are yelling and clapping and snapping photos are inspiring.

We know a pole class can be intimidating and when you are having a party, you may as well have a drink or two. Some bachelorettes walk in ready to spin and shake it and others need to find a bit of liquid courage. We won't let anyone drink to the point of being wasted - obviously spinning and balance are impaired at that point, but a cocktail in your cockholster sometimes loosens you up a bit. Last weekend we had some absolutely fucking fantastic watermelon/malibu jello shots courtesy of one generous bride. Those are totally my new best friend.

Not to diminish our girls who just come to party with friends or are celebrating a birthday, but the bachelorettes are my favorite. They are always really happy and anxiously anticipating the next couple of weeks and are looking to pick up a few honeymoon surprises.