Friday, July 8, 2011

Can you seriously walk in those shoes?

Buying a stripper shoe:
1. It must have rubber stoppers on the bottom. It can't just be a tall, slutty looking shoe. It must have rubber stoppers, no compromises.
2. It can be any color you like, or clear if that's how you roll
3. It should have straps if you are really going to dance in it. Strapless shoes can be cute, but when you are dancing, you cannot have a shoe fly off and kill someone - no one will give you dollars for that unless you take out their boss. In that case, they may throw you a parade and give you a key to the city. Strapless shoes are also more likely to fall off while you are walking and you can hurt yourself pretty badly falling off of a 7 inch shoe.

Somehow clear shoes went from Cinderella to Stripperella, but I don't mind. I was never the Cinderella type anyway. My shoes aren't clear, they are hooker red and 7 inches tall. I love them and yes, I can walk in them.  Really, I can. So could you. It takes some practice and we'll show you how to do it without looking like a troll.

Here's the part where I get catty. There's this girl at work...Hey, I thought you weren't like that! I am not like that during the class, but this is an emergency, seriously. Stop interrupting me. There is this girl at work who always wears a dress, always looks really nice and always- every day- wears heels. Keep in mind, they have to repeatedly send out emails at my work about wearing pajama pants and slippers in the winter and ones about bare midriffs and shorty shorts in the summer. But aren't you a stripper? Aren't they supposed to dress like that? Didn't you just tell me to go buy some booty shorts? I take a class to be a stripper. I also have a regular job too where I am a paralegal, stop laughing.

Now that you have gathered yourself back up again, I will continue as though I were not so rudely interrupted. This girl at work always takes great care and likely spends a fair amount of money looking nice from head to toe, but she walks like a troll. It is this horrible shoulders forward, butt out, hunched over, stomping troll walk and it ruins everything she did to look so nice. Well, that and her strange colored lipstick, but that's just mean, so I won't say it. Every time I see her or hear her stomping down the hall like a goddamned sumo wrestler. (I apologize to anyone who enjoys the perfectly legitimate sport of sumo wrestling.) I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in the way they tell you never to shake a baby and say,  "you are so fucking this up! For fuck's sake lady, shoulders back, knees bent slightly, tuck in that rabid beaver before someone shoots it and step lightly, but with your whole foot- no heel/toe, toes slightly out!"

Then she would be forever in my debt and I would just say, really, it's no problem. I always try to help the less fortunate. Then I would invite her to pole class and she'd practice her walking until she stops traffic in the hallways.

Recap on the shoe buying: You can buy any color, rubber stopper, strap on shoe you like. The length is not that important, but bigger is better ;) always. 

I will leave you with what Chris Rock had to say about them,  “When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: “We need something new! Something that just says nasty”…And one girl said: “I got it! Clear heels!” Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”

He also said your only job as a parent is to keep your daughter off of the pole. I guess that's just one more thing to add to the pile of things my parents failed at.  For your listening pleasure I have included a song that I can't seem to get out of my head in the post below.

~Piece out

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