Sunday, April 24, 2011

You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasies

I am not sexy. I don't do sexy. I am an athelete, a ballet dancer, a serious woman,  a housewife, a geek, too tall, too short, too fat, to scrawny, too shy, my boobs are too small, my thighs are too big. I am just not pretty enough, or not pretty in that way. So I will look stupid, I will laugh, he will laugh, she will laugh, they will all laugh. I will throw up, or fall down or break his nose, or worse, his dick. Everyone else is going to have perfect balance, grace and a fuck me face that turns all men to jelly and probably some women too.

The truth is, many people are not inherently sexy. They don't ooze sex with every step, every breath. It is a skill and you can learn it. We, as women, are often taught that we can either be smart or sexy. We can be athletic or sexy. We can be graceful or sexy. We can be a thousand things, but we can't also be sexy. Only disreputable, slutty, nasty, gross, trashy women can be sexy because they cannot have any other positive qualities. Sexy means you have nothing else to offer but sex, right?

Um, yeah, bullshit! You're asking me, sugar would I lie to you? No. I won't lie. I won't tell you that your awkward, brainy self will penetrate the threshold of our hallowed studio and a sex bomb will explode all over the doorway and strut her ass in. The truth is sexy is a skill, you can work on it. You may not ever be Marilyn Monroe, but there is an alternate universe where you are all the things that make you successful and sexy at the same time. You don't have to choose one.

Sexy = confidence and confidence= sexy. All of you math geeks out there will look at that and say, that's an answer to a question, how do I get there? Where's the equation? Therein lies the rub, you have to find it. I know that sounds all existential, but that's why this is so hard. You have to find a new way of seeing the woman you think you already know. Some people are just one compliment and a smack on the ass away from full on sex goddess and other people have a thousand baby steps to go.

Who has two thumbs and has a thousand baby steps to go? This bitch. Okay, so a thousand baby steps is a long way, and a long way, is well, a long way. Dance class is a great way to take one teensy step at a time while avoiding humiliation in the eyes of the object of your romantic fancy. My best advice- start with eye contact. If you can't bear to look yourself in the eye, then look at someone else, just for a few seconds. Listen to the cheers of the women around you. We don't lie. We just see you in a different way, from a whole new perspective.

I don't lie, I can't. I am just not wired that way. What I can do is look at each woman when they walk through the door and see where they are at with being openly sexy and note each minute bit of progress. For some women it is taking out the ponytail holder, for some it's a solid smack on their own ass, for others it's a smile when they look in the mirror, for others it is as simple as creating a curve from all of their right angles.

I will never yell out, smack a butt, give a high five or a hug to anyone under false pretenses. I won't lie and I will notice even if you think I didn't. I will see that tiny bit of shake when you think no one else is looking and I will celebrate it. I will celebrate with you, or at you or about you if I have to, but I won't let it escape unnoticed. If you add up a thousand of those, you can turn on your inner sex bomb any time you want to and you will not be able to avoid being more confident with all of the things you do.  What is more important than the sex machine you create is learning to notice and celebrate your little victories and look back from where you are now to where you were. You will make a goal and take the thousand steps from where you are to where you want to be and it will spill out all over the rest of your life whether you want it to or not. I believe that is why women walk away loving themselves more in every aspect of their lives. 

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