How to make an instant slut: apply 7-inch hooker red heels.
How to make an instant crack slut: apply broken 7-inch hooker red heels.
I just went from instant slut to instant crack slut on Monday. I was taking my shoes off and realized they are starting to come apart. It's not quite to the point of limping down the street with one 7 inch heel and one bare foot, but I imagine that is a situation I'd like to avoid. I'd also like to avoid a complete separation of slut and shoe whilst walking and trying to look fetching.
So, now I have to search the interwebs for slutty shoes and hope like hell they fit my wide feet. There are lots of very tacky shoes out there. One pair has a heel with stacked dice on it that I thought were anal beads for a minute. It was an interesting minute and I'll do you the service of not telling you the mental picture I got with a 7inch shoe with heel made out of anal beads. You are welcome for that.
We have had several shoe vendors throughout the years and haven't found one that we are in love with or even one we'd like to hate fuck once in a while. Some vendors have very low quality shoes, others are ungodly expensive, and others have anal beads for heels. I went over the rules for stripper shoe buying in a previous post , but now I have to actually try to find some. I am not sure if there is a classy stripper shoe, but I would like one that doesn't have fake money trapped inside the platform. I have had a few pairs now and I really like my red ones, but I think it's time for something new. I love fun stuff, and of course that is all subjective, but I am having a hard time finding footwear for the classy tart.
I found these, which might be interesting- perhaps a bit shy of classy and are probably not terribly practical (can you call stripper shoes practical or is that illegal?) Since I don't actually dance in a club, I doubt I'd be turning them on that often. It seems a bit too desperate for attention in a class setting. I have seen a few 4 1/2 inch heels, but those just seem way too tame. If I am going to be slutty, I am going to commit to it god damn it. If anyone out there has a good vendor, let me know. Otherwise, the search will continue.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Don't judge a bitch by her blubber aka give that big booty a smack
I have openly shared (not the same as sharing my opening) and don't mind admitting that I have struggled to lose weight. I am working hard, but making slow progress. I am proud of who I am, but I'm still working on being as happy with how I look. Occasionally, I will teach classes when Adena is sick, on vacation, or just needs a break. It has only happened a few times because most women aren't this cunty, but there have been a few occasions where a woman will walk in to a class I am teaching and assume that my (big) butt can't teach her anything.
I am, as I have said before, not a scrawny girl. I am a size 12 now, down from a 16, but I taught classes at size 16 too. I am sure many more girls thought this and didn't say it out loud and one or two girls decided not to take a class with me and left. We all make choices about what our money gets spent on every day. Is this coffee worth the money? Is that gallon of lube a bargain at 10% off with 40% more free? That is a lot of fucking math, but I think that works out to getting your axle greased for half off. Too bad I made that whole analogy up or I'd totally throw a link up to that shit.
To have someone look at me and say that she didn't know I'd be teaching and wants to know whether I am planning to charge the same price as the regular teacher, whether she should be charged for the class at all, and as a matter of fact, she thinks she might need to get a free class with the regular instructor to make up for it as well is humiliating. Totally, horribly, humiliating. That is the part where if I wore earrings, I'd be snatching them out of my ears and repeating,"take my earrings because I am about to cut a bitch" to no one and everyone all at once. No one likes to be looked at, judged, and then called out to be of lesser value, possibly worth no value at all, and further so completely unacceptable as to require punishment of the regular teacher by getting a free class from her as well.
Who the fuck was this bitch? This was someone who had seen me in class, but she'd never seen me lead the class. Had this been my class I'd have told her to piss up a rope and feel the pissy dribble (10 points if you know what song that refers to, 5 points if you didn't but thought it was funny), but this was not my class. This was Adena's class and her livelihood. You can't fuck with how a bitch earns. So, I gather up every bit of self-control and i think I probably borrowed some as well and invited her to stay and see how she likes it and make her decision at the end. I must have looked like some psychotic Stepford wife.
To her credit, she didn't have a sour puss attitude and she participated and really enjoyed the class. At the end of class she gave me a hug and said how she'd had a great time and had a good workout. I think the fact that she stayed and enjoyed it really helped alleviate the pole hickey my pride had, but being judged in the first place hurt a lot and the fact that she liked the class and said I was good enough helped, but it doesn't completely take away that understanding that I have to be well above average to be accepted. I know her better now and I don't think she realized how insulting that was. She was just looking out for the fact that some chubby chick was making off with her hard-earned scratch and may not be able to provide the type of experience she wants to pay for.
The best part was the next week when she told me she couldn't walk for days and was so sore she could hardly move. I think that when I teach classes I sometimes feel like I need to overcompensate, especially when I am teaching a class where at least a few of the women can do things I can't. I have learned to have more confidence in who I am and what I do. I don't know of many women who couldn't learn something of they shut their cockholsters and listen for a minute. That, of course, includes me. I think bigger women are drawn to me and I like being someone to aspire to, even if it comes with a little hasty judgment sometimes. Someone where people can see with their own eyes that a bigger girl can do things that they don't believe are possible. I can gesture to all of this and say I can do it just like I am and you can too.
So, if you see me teaching class, watch out bitches because you will feel like a $2 whore with 300 bucks in her pocket all goddamn week when I am done with your ass, no matter how big or small it is.
I am, as I have said before, not a scrawny girl. I am a size 12 now, down from a 16, but I taught classes at size 16 too. I am sure many more girls thought this and didn't say it out loud and one or two girls decided not to take a class with me and left. We all make choices about what our money gets spent on every day. Is this coffee worth the money? Is that gallon of lube a bargain at 10% off with 40% more free? That is a lot of fucking math, but I think that works out to getting your axle greased for half off. Too bad I made that whole analogy up or I'd totally throw a link up to that shit.
To have someone look at me and say that she didn't know I'd be teaching and wants to know whether I am planning to charge the same price as the regular teacher, whether she should be charged for the class at all, and as a matter of fact, she thinks she might need to get a free class with the regular instructor to make up for it as well is humiliating. Totally, horribly, humiliating. That is the part where if I wore earrings, I'd be snatching them out of my ears and repeating,"take my earrings because I am about to cut a bitch" to no one and everyone all at once. No one likes to be looked at, judged, and then called out to be of lesser value, possibly worth no value at all, and further so completely unacceptable as to require punishment of the regular teacher by getting a free class from her as well.
Who the fuck was this bitch? This was someone who had seen me in class, but she'd never seen me lead the class. Had this been my class I'd have told her to piss up a rope and feel the pissy dribble (10 points if you know what song that refers to, 5 points if you didn't but thought it was funny), but this was not my class. This was Adena's class and her livelihood. You can't fuck with how a bitch earns. So, I gather up every bit of self-control and i think I probably borrowed some as well and invited her to stay and see how she likes it and make her decision at the end. I must have looked like some psychotic Stepford wife.
To her credit, she didn't have a sour puss attitude and she participated and really enjoyed the class. At the end of class she gave me a hug and said how she'd had a great time and had a good workout. I think the fact that she stayed and enjoyed it really helped alleviate the pole hickey my pride had, but being judged in the first place hurt a lot and the fact that she liked the class and said I was good enough helped, but it doesn't completely take away that understanding that I have to be well above average to be accepted. I know her better now and I don't think she realized how insulting that was. She was just looking out for the fact that some chubby chick was making off with her hard-earned scratch and may not be able to provide the type of experience she wants to pay for.
The best part was the next week when she told me she couldn't walk for days and was so sore she could hardly move. I think that when I teach classes I sometimes feel like I need to overcompensate, especially when I am teaching a class where at least a few of the women can do things I can't. I have learned to have more confidence in who I am and what I do. I don't know of many women who couldn't learn something of they shut their cockholsters and listen for a minute. That, of course, includes me. I think bigger women are drawn to me and I like being someone to aspire to, even if it comes with a little hasty judgment sometimes. Someone where people can see with their own eyes that a bigger girl can do things that they don't believe are possible. I can gesture to all of this and say I can do it just like I am and you can too.
So, if you see me teaching class, watch out bitches because you will feel like a $2 whore with 300 bucks in her pocket all goddamn week when I am done with your ass, no matter how big or small it is.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Shit you should like
Make Believe - promo video from Make Believe Clothing on Vimeo.
This is a new segment I am going to call, "Shit you should like". I don't know exactly what I will be featuring every time, but get off my camel toe already, I am just getting started. This is a puss-anal (oooh that looks so much worse than I wanted it to) ahem personal recommendation.
Full disclosure (I think that is a club somewhere in Iowa, but I am pretty sure they are full nude, which I don't prefer. I call those clubs juice boxes because they don't serve alcohol and they are forever waving their clits in the wind and occasionally that wind isn't so fresh, but I digress)-My brother in law has a clothing line called Make Believe, before you get your snatch in a snit, or your nits in an uproar, I shall demonstrate why I like it and then you can decide if I am a promotional whore of the high class variety or of the $2 crack persuasion.
1. He has some amazing shirts (this one is my current favorite ) and even though they have been worn by some super famous people (hey, we've already established that I have no shame, so why start now), he didn't jack up the price like douchebag from Doucheachusetts so that regular people couldn't afford them without selling a kidney. $25 bucks is pretty fucking awesome for a t-shirt these days. That will leave you enough to buy lots of other shit, like stripper shoes, or some glitter, or something to cover your vag with- like panties or whatever. You can figure out your own fucking budget, I'm not getting paid to deal with your personal financial issues.
2. They are the best option I've seen yet for when you have to cover your tits. By all means, show them off, but when they just absolutely must be covered, grab one of these if you like them.
3. Boy works his goddamn ass off - so much respect for a person who risks everything and relies on his own hard work. He's built this company on his own talent. Why should you care about that? The only thing your brother-in-law ever did was fuck your sister -oooh snap. This is probably the part where I admit that I know he totally did my sister because she's all knocked up. I am so excited about this aunt business, but that is another story for another day.
4. They are for dudes and for ladies. Some of them are made in girly shirts and other ones are totally unisexy. Yeah, I fucking said it.
We are ever so proud of his ass. He has a new line coming out at the end of this month. I'd love to hear about some stuff that you guys like that I can check out. Whether it is a book, music, blogs, artwork, makeup- anything you are in to- I'll check it out. Free booby love to anyone who shows up in class with a Make Believe t-shirt!
This is a new segment I am going to call, "Shit you should like". I don't know exactly what I will be featuring every time, but get off my camel toe already, I am just getting started. This is a puss-anal (oooh that looks so much worse than I wanted it to) ahem personal recommendation.
Full disclosure (I think that is a club somewhere in Iowa, but I am pretty sure they are full nude, which I don't prefer. I call those clubs juice boxes because they don't serve alcohol and they are forever waving their clits in the wind and occasionally that wind isn't so fresh, but I digress)-My brother in law has a clothing line called Make Believe, before you get your snatch in a snit, or your nits in an uproar, I shall demonstrate why I like it and then you can decide if I am a promotional whore of the high class variety or of the $2 crack persuasion.
1. He has some amazing shirts (this one is my current favorite ) and even though they have been worn by some super famous people (hey, we've already established that I have no shame, so why start now), he didn't jack up the price like douchebag from Doucheachusetts so that regular people couldn't afford them without selling a kidney. $25 bucks is pretty fucking awesome for a t-shirt these days. That will leave you enough to buy lots of other shit, like stripper shoes, or some glitter, or something to cover your vag with- like panties or whatever. You can figure out your own fucking budget, I'm not getting paid to deal with your personal financial issues.
2. They are the best option I've seen yet for when you have to cover your tits. By all means, show them off, but when they just absolutely must be covered, grab one of these if you like them.
3. Boy works his goddamn ass off - so much respect for a person who risks everything and relies on his own hard work. He's built this company on his own talent. Why should you care about that? The only thing your brother-in-law ever did was fuck your sister -oooh snap. This is probably the part where I admit that I know he totally did my sister because she's all knocked up. I am so excited about this aunt business, but that is another story for another day.
4. They are for dudes and for ladies. Some of them are made in girly shirts and other ones are totally unisexy. Yeah, I fucking said it.
We are ever so proud of his ass. He has a new line coming out at the end of this month. I'd love to hear about some stuff that you guys like that I can check out. Whether it is a book, music, blogs, artwork, makeup- anything you are in to- I'll check it out. Free booby love to anyone who shows up in class with a Make Believe t-shirt!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
You can come back, baby. The stripper pole never forgets
I went out to dinner with the Pole Mama and our spice (that's the plural for spouse, I am pretty sure). At the end of the evening a lovely young lady came up with the hugest smile and said, "Oh My GOD it is you!" My husband was totally shocked because he's heard about this, but hadn't ever seen it before. I explained that the waitress at the restaurant had seen the 4 of us sitting there and waited until we were finished eating to tell us how much she loved us. She said how she had missed taking classes with us. She'd gotten caught up with things in her life and her work schedule, but would be coming back soon and was so glad to have seen us and hugged us each 3 times and was nearly in tears.
As we walked out of the restaurant my husband was in awe of the rock star treatment. Specifically, he's heard that Adena gets that, but had never seen anyone see me and nearly fall over themselves. I told him that is one of the things I love most about teaching classes. I really get a chance to change how people see themselves and I love that. I know there have been times in my life where it would have been nice to be able to attend a weekly class where people cheered and clapped for me and told me that they missed me and were looking forward to seeing me again. I know that I am catching some women in exactly that place where times are tough and this class makes a real difference. I don't presume to be the difference, it's the attitude, Adena, all of the women in the class, the exercise, the music, the dancing, and on and on, but I am so proud to be a representative of all of that. For any of you that have drifted away, you can come back, baby, the stripper pole never forgets. For any of you that are reading and haven't yet come in, what more does a bitch have to say to get your silly ass in?
Incidentally, I was wearing a shirt I got in our women's clothing swap to dinner and got quite a few compliments on it. I love, love, love it. We gave the rest of the clothes to the women's shelter. It was such a fun experience. Lots of nearly naked ladies wading through piles of great clothes and throwing things at each other and trying them on. It was such a fun way to really encourage women to clean out their closets and get rid of the things that they are hanging onto that don't fit or never found the right outfit for. We all came away with some treasures.
As we walked out of the restaurant my husband was in awe of the rock star treatment. Specifically, he's heard that Adena gets that, but had never seen anyone see me and nearly fall over themselves. I told him that is one of the things I love most about teaching classes. I really get a chance to change how people see themselves and I love that. I know there have been times in my life where it would have been nice to be able to attend a weekly class where people cheered and clapped for me and told me that they missed me and were looking forward to seeing me again. I know that I am catching some women in exactly that place where times are tough and this class makes a real difference. I don't presume to be the difference, it's the attitude, Adena, all of the women in the class, the exercise, the music, the dancing, and on and on, but I am so proud to be a representative of all of that. For any of you that have drifted away, you can come back, baby, the stripper pole never forgets. For any of you that are reading and haven't yet come in, what more does a bitch have to say to get your silly ass in?
Incidentally, I was wearing a shirt I got in our women's clothing swap to dinner and got quite a few compliments on it. I love, love, love it. We gave the rest of the clothes to the women's shelter. It was such a fun experience. Lots of nearly naked ladies wading through piles of great clothes and throwing things at each other and trying them on. It was such a fun way to really encourage women to clean out their closets and get rid of the things that they are hanging onto that don't fit or never found the right outfit for. We all came away with some treasures.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Happy Motherfucking Birthday Mama!
Wednesday (8/10) is Adena's birthday. She seems to have forgotten how important it is to honor all of the things she has done and all of the people she has touched (not just in the naughty parts, but in the heart too) and that to accomplish all of that means she's been hanging around this planet a while.
To the best bitch ever to don a thong: Happy Motherfucking Birthday! It takes time to become wise. It takes years to learn a craft, it takes decades to become a man's whole life partner, it takes a few men and a woman or two to truly understand sexy, it takes a few miles in a body to make it powerful, it takes a few tears to truly understand what it means to be happy, it takes hard times to know when it's time to fucking celebrate. It apparently takes some scaly black monkey feet to learn to walk in a stripper shoe. It takes some big old slutty heels to appreciate your slippers. With all of that comes a few gray hairs and maybe a line or two, but isn't the payoff worth the price of admission?
You tell us to be proud of our bodies, regardless of age, size, or shape. You say we should own our strengths and recognize, but not be weighed down by the things we need to improve upon. You tell us to learn to listen. You told me that I need to let people grow and not cheat their process or scare them off by over-correcting. Please spend the anniversary (I won't say which) of your birth recognizing the strength, wisdom, power you possess and what you mean to people instead of focusing on how long you've been on this planet and the number of gray hairs that may pop up or lines on your face- all of those come from laughing (mainly at my jokes) and learning and that, my friend, is not a bad thing.
Everyone wear a thong and raise a glass to Adena today! Send her your love or show up in class on Wednesday at 6:45 pm and give her some booty love in person.
To the best bitch ever to don a thong: Happy Motherfucking Birthday! It takes time to become wise. It takes years to learn a craft, it takes decades to become a man's whole life partner, it takes a few men and a woman or two to truly understand sexy, it takes a few miles in a body to make it powerful, it takes a few tears to truly understand what it means to be happy, it takes hard times to know when it's time to fucking celebrate. It apparently takes some scaly black monkey feet to learn to walk in a stripper shoe. It takes some big old slutty heels to appreciate your slippers. With all of that comes a few gray hairs and maybe a line or two, but isn't the payoff worth the price of admission?
You tell us to be proud of our bodies, regardless of age, size, or shape. You say we should own our strengths and recognize, but not be weighed down by the things we need to improve upon. You tell us to learn to listen. You told me that I need to let people grow and not cheat their process or scare them off by over-correcting. Please spend the anniversary (I won't say which) of your birth recognizing the strength, wisdom, power you possess and what you mean to people instead of focusing on how long you've been on this planet and the number of gray hairs that may pop up or lines on your face- all of those come from laughing (mainly at my jokes) and learning and that, my friend, is not a bad thing.
Everyone wear a thong and raise a glass to Adena today! Send her your love or show up in class on Wednesday at 6:45 pm and give her some booty love in person.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Plug it in and begin.
Practice. It's a shitty word like "homework." People want to practice things about as much as they like paying their taxes. I think the word practice just has a terrible PR team. It's all in the spin ;). Okay, bad joke, but it made me giggle, so it stays. Ladies come into the studio and see something they are impressed with and they always ask, "How did you learn to do that?" My answer always disappoints them because it is the dreaded P-word, practice.
*Breakaway poles -the tension rod type that you can pop up without permanently mounting into the floor or ceiling fucking blow. They call them breakaway because they fucking break. Duh. It's right in the name. All those bitches you laugh at falling on their faces on Youtube are using breakaway poles. It looks funny on Youtube, but they get really hurt. Those poles are for mincing about and walking in circles they are not for spinning or inversions (going upside down) no matter what the advertisement says, they are dangerous. It does not matter what they say the weight limit is on the pole. If you weigh 120 and the pole is rated for 300 lbs, you may be surprised to know that is quite possible that your 120 exceeds 300lbs of force when your body is spinning, particularly if you are spinning with most of your body away from the pole. The other problem with those poles is that if they are not dead level, a few degrees off will send you and the pole flying. I can't be sure, but I suspect this is what happens in most of the Youtube videos
Practice comes in various forms. For pole dancing it is generally in these three areas: fitness, flexibility and fluidity.
Fitness- being able to lift your body, hold your body in the air, support your own weight as you spin on a pole. It's fucking hard to do. If you do not have a pole at home, you can practice the chair routines and the floor show work. If doing sit ups and pushups on a chair is hard for you, then you need to keep doing it. Every small improvement gets you closer to your goal. Going from half a push-up to a whole push up is actually a marked improvement. It is something you can do at home to make you more prepared for taking on new moves. You cannot escalate the difficulty of the things you do if you do not escalate your preparation for them.
Flexibility- You don't have to be able to be able to put your ankles behind your ears to be able to pole dance, but it sure helps. You can do stretches at home- the same ones we do in class. Yoga helps tremendously. Don't be like one of those douchebag guys with ponytails who tries to outdo everyone with how zen they are and get yourself hurt. Stretch until you can feel the muscles working, never bounce your stretch - very much unlike what they told us to do in gym class. You will not see major changes in a few days, but if you stick with it, you will be more flexible than you thought possible.
Fluidity- Motherfucker this is hard. Fluidity is the culmination of all of the things you learn put together. It is being strong enough to do the move, flexibility helps for making moves look graceful and adds a perceived degree of difficulty and the practice helps you transition smoothly from one move to the next. It takes a fairly fit individual to make it through a 3 minute song. You cannot have fluidity without practice. It is not possible. It does not matter how strong or flexible you are, you have to be comfortable with each move, your body position, the next move you'll be doing and how to get there. One trick at a time is nice, but a whole dance is a lot more exciting.
Everyone wants an answer like, "sprinkle some glitter all over your body and you will become the best pole dancer ever." It's the same face people make when they ask how I lost 25 pounds. I moved my fat ass more and ate cake less. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it took a while. Pole dancing requires practice. Some of that time will likely need to be at home, doing sit ups, push ups or working on flexibility. You have to put work in to it if you want results. Simple as that.
*Breakaway poles -the tension rod type that you can pop up without permanently mounting into the floor or ceiling fucking blow. They call them breakaway because they fucking break. Duh. It's right in the name. All those bitches you laugh at falling on their faces on Youtube are using breakaway poles. It looks funny on Youtube, but they get really hurt. Those poles are for mincing about and walking in circles they are not for spinning or inversions (going upside down) no matter what the advertisement says, they are dangerous. It does not matter what they say the weight limit is on the pole. If you weigh 120 and the pole is rated for 300 lbs, you may be surprised to know that is quite possible that your 120 exceeds 300lbs of force when your body is spinning, particularly if you are spinning with most of your body away from the pole. The other problem with those poles is that if they are not dead level, a few degrees off will send you and the pole flying. I can't be sure, but I suspect this is what happens in most of the Youtube videos
Practice comes in various forms. For pole dancing it is generally in these three areas: fitness, flexibility and fluidity.
Fitness- being able to lift your body, hold your body in the air, support your own weight as you spin on a pole. It's fucking hard to do. If you do not have a pole at home, you can practice the chair routines and the floor show work. If doing sit ups and pushups on a chair is hard for you, then you need to keep doing it. Every small improvement gets you closer to your goal. Going from half a push-up to a whole push up is actually a marked improvement. It is something you can do at home to make you more prepared for taking on new moves. You cannot escalate the difficulty of the things you do if you do not escalate your preparation for them.
Flexibility- You don't have to be able to be able to put your ankles behind your ears to be able to pole dance, but it sure helps. You can do stretches at home- the same ones we do in class. Yoga helps tremendously. Don't be like one of those douchebag guys with ponytails who tries to outdo everyone with how zen they are and get yourself hurt. Stretch until you can feel the muscles working, never bounce your stretch - very much unlike what they told us to do in gym class. You will not see major changes in a few days, but if you stick with it, you will be more flexible than you thought possible.
Fluidity- Motherfucker this is hard. Fluidity is the culmination of all of the things you learn put together. It is being strong enough to do the move, flexibility helps for making moves look graceful and adds a perceived degree of difficulty and the practice helps you transition smoothly from one move to the next. It takes a fairly fit individual to make it through a 3 minute song. You cannot have fluidity without practice. It is not possible. It does not matter how strong or flexible you are, you have to be comfortable with each move, your body position, the next move you'll be doing and how to get there. One trick at a time is nice, but a whole dance is a lot more exciting.
Everyone wants an answer like, "sprinkle some glitter all over your body and you will become the best pole dancer ever." It's the same face people make when they ask how I lost 25 pounds. I moved my fat ass more and ate cake less. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it took a while. Pole dancing requires practice. Some of that time will likely need to be at home, doing sit ups, push ups or working on flexibility. You have to put work in to it if you want results. Simple as that.
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