I went out to dinner with the Pole Mama and our spice (that's the plural for spouse, I am pretty sure). At the end of the evening a lovely young lady came up with the hugest smile and said, "Oh My GOD it is you!" My husband was totally shocked because he's heard about this, but hadn't ever seen it before. I explained that the waitress at the restaurant had seen the 4 of us sitting there and waited until we were finished eating to tell us how much she loved us. She said how she had missed taking classes with us. She'd gotten caught up with things in her life and her work schedule, but would be coming back soon and was so glad to have seen us and hugged us each 3 times and was nearly in tears.
As we walked out of the restaurant my husband was in awe of the rock star treatment. Specifically, he's heard that Adena gets that, but had never seen anyone see me and nearly fall over themselves. I told him that is one of the things I love most about teaching classes. I really get a chance to change how people see themselves and I love that. I know there have been times in my life where it would have been nice to be able to attend a weekly class where people cheered and clapped for me and told me that they missed me and were looking forward to seeing me again. I know that I am catching some women in exactly that place where times are tough and this class makes a real difference. I don't presume to be the difference, it's the attitude, Adena, all of the women in the class, the exercise, the music, the dancing, and on and on, but I am so proud to be a representative of all of that. For any of you that have drifted away, you can come back, baby, the stripper pole never forgets. For any of you that are reading and haven't yet come in, what more does a bitch have to say to get your silly ass in?
Incidentally, I was wearing a shirt I got in our women's clothing swap to dinner and got quite a few compliments on it. I love, love, love it. We gave the rest of the clothes to the women's shelter. It was such a fun experience. Lots of nearly naked ladies wading through piles of great clothes and throwing things at each other and trying them on. It was such a fun way to really encourage women to clean out their closets and get rid of the things that they are hanging onto that don't fit or never found the right outfit for. We all came away with some treasures.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Happy Motherfucking Birthday Mama!
Wednesday (8/10) is Adena's birthday. She seems to have forgotten how important it is to honor all of the things she has done and all of the people she has touched (not just in the naughty parts, but in the heart too) and that to accomplish all of that means she's been hanging around this planet a while.
To the best bitch ever to don a thong: Happy Motherfucking Birthday! It takes time to become wise. It takes years to learn a craft, it takes decades to become a man's whole life partner, it takes a few men and a woman or two to truly understand sexy, it takes a few miles in a body to make it powerful, it takes a few tears to truly understand what it means to be happy, it takes hard times to know when it's time to fucking celebrate. It apparently takes some scaly black monkey feet to learn to walk in a stripper shoe. It takes some big old slutty heels to appreciate your slippers. With all of that comes a few gray hairs and maybe a line or two, but isn't the payoff worth the price of admission?
You tell us to be proud of our bodies, regardless of age, size, or shape. You say we should own our strengths and recognize, but not be weighed down by the things we need to improve upon. You tell us to learn to listen. You told me that I need to let people grow and not cheat their process or scare them off by over-correcting. Please spend the anniversary (I won't say which) of your birth recognizing the strength, wisdom, power you possess and what you mean to people instead of focusing on how long you've been on this planet and the number of gray hairs that may pop up or lines on your face- all of those come from laughing (mainly at my jokes) and learning and that, my friend, is not a bad thing.
Everyone wear a thong and raise a glass to Adena today! Send her your love or show up in class on Wednesday at 6:45 pm and give her some booty love in person.
To the best bitch ever to don a thong: Happy Motherfucking Birthday! It takes time to become wise. It takes years to learn a craft, it takes decades to become a man's whole life partner, it takes a few men and a woman or two to truly understand sexy, it takes a few miles in a body to make it powerful, it takes a few tears to truly understand what it means to be happy, it takes hard times to know when it's time to fucking celebrate. It apparently takes some scaly black monkey feet to learn to walk in a stripper shoe. It takes some big old slutty heels to appreciate your slippers. With all of that comes a few gray hairs and maybe a line or two, but isn't the payoff worth the price of admission?
You tell us to be proud of our bodies, regardless of age, size, or shape. You say we should own our strengths and recognize, but not be weighed down by the things we need to improve upon. You tell us to learn to listen. You told me that I need to let people grow and not cheat their process or scare them off by over-correcting. Please spend the anniversary (I won't say which) of your birth recognizing the strength, wisdom, power you possess and what you mean to people instead of focusing on how long you've been on this planet and the number of gray hairs that may pop up or lines on your face- all of those come from laughing (mainly at my jokes) and learning and that, my friend, is not a bad thing.
Everyone wear a thong and raise a glass to Adena today! Send her your love or show up in class on Wednesday at 6:45 pm and give her some booty love in person.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Plug it in and begin.
Practice. It's a shitty word like "homework." People want to practice things about as much as they like paying their taxes. I think the word practice just has a terrible PR team. It's all in the spin ;). Okay, bad joke, but it made me giggle, so it stays. Ladies come into the studio and see something they are impressed with and they always ask, "How did you learn to do that?" My answer always disappoints them because it is the dreaded P-word, practice.
*Breakaway poles -the tension rod type that you can pop up without permanently mounting into the floor or ceiling fucking blow. They call them breakaway because they fucking break. Duh. It's right in the name. All those bitches you laugh at falling on their faces on Youtube are using breakaway poles. It looks funny on Youtube, but they get really hurt. Those poles are for mincing about and walking in circles they are not for spinning or inversions (going upside down) no matter what the advertisement says, they are dangerous. It does not matter what they say the weight limit is on the pole. If you weigh 120 and the pole is rated for 300 lbs, you may be surprised to know that is quite possible that your 120 exceeds 300lbs of force when your body is spinning, particularly if you are spinning with most of your body away from the pole. The other problem with those poles is that if they are not dead level, a few degrees off will send you and the pole flying. I can't be sure, but I suspect this is what happens in most of the Youtube videos
Practice comes in various forms. For pole dancing it is generally in these three areas: fitness, flexibility and fluidity.
Fitness- being able to lift your body, hold your body in the air, support your own weight as you spin on a pole. It's fucking hard to do. If you do not have a pole at home, you can practice the chair routines and the floor show work. If doing sit ups and pushups on a chair is hard for you, then you need to keep doing it. Every small improvement gets you closer to your goal. Going from half a push-up to a whole push up is actually a marked improvement. It is something you can do at home to make you more prepared for taking on new moves. You cannot escalate the difficulty of the things you do if you do not escalate your preparation for them.
Flexibility- You don't have to be able to be able to put your ankles behind your ears to be able to pole dance, but it sure helps. You can do stretches at home- the same ones we do in class. Yoga helps tremendously. Don't be like one of those douchebag guys with ponytails who tries to outdo everyone with how zen they are and get yourself hurt. Stretch until you can feel the muscles working, never bounce your stretch - very much unlike what they told us to do in gym class. You will not see major changes in a few days, but if you stick with it, you will be more flexible than you thought possible.
Fluidity- Motherfucker this is hard. Fluidity is the culmination of all of the things you learn put together. It is being strong enough to do the move, flexibility helps for making moves look graceful and adds a perceived degree of difficulty and the practice helps you transition smoothly from one move to the next. It takes a fairly fit individual to make it through a 3 minute song. You cannot have fluidity without practice. It is not possible. It does not matter how strong or flexible you are, you have to be comfortable with each move, your body position, the next move you'll be doing and how to get there. One trick at a time is nice, but a whole dance is a lot more exciting.
Everyone wants an answer like, "sprinkle some glitter all over your body and you will become the best pole dancer ever." It's the same face people make when they ask how I lost 25 pounds. I moved my fat ass more and ate cake less. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it took a while. Pole dancing requires practice. Some of that time will likely need to be at home, doing sit ups, push ups or working on flexibility. You have to put work in to it if you want results. Simple as that.
*Breakaway poles -the tension rod type that you can pop up without permanently mounting into the floor or ceiling fucking blow. They call them breakaway because they fucking break. Duh. It's right in the name. All those bitches you laugh at falling on their faces on Youtube are using breakaway poles. It looks funny on Youtube, but they get really hurt. Those poles are for mincing about and walking in circles they are not for spinning or inversions (going upside down) no matter what the advertisement says, they are dangerous. It does not matter what they say the weight limit is on the pole. If you weigh 120 and the pole is rated for 300 lbs, you may be surprised to know that is quite possible that your 120 exceeds 300lbs of force when your body is spinning, particularly if you are spinning with most of your body away from the pole. The other problem with those poles is that if they are not dead level, a few degrees off will send you and the pole flying. I can't be sure, but I suspect this is what happens in most of the Youtube videos
Practice comes in various forms. For pole dancing it is generally in these three areas: fitness, flexibility and fluidity.
Fitness- being able to lift your body, hold your body in the air, support your own weight as you spin on a pole. It's fucking hard to do. If you do not have a pole at home, you can practice the chair routines and the floor show work. If doing sit ups and pushups on a chair is hard for you, then you need to keep doing it. Every small improvement gets you closer to your goal. Going from half a push-up to a whole push up is actually a marked improvement. It is something you can do at home to make you more prepared for taking on new moves. You cannot escalate the difficulty of the things you do if you do not escalate your preparation for them.
Flexibility- You don't have to be able to be able to put your ankles behind your ears to be able to pole dance, but it sure helps. You can do stretches at home- the same ones we do in class. Yoga helps tremendously. Don't be like one of those douchebag guys with ponytails who tries to outdo everyone with how zen they are and get yourself hurt. Stretch until you can feel the muscles working, never bounce your stretch - very much unlike what they told us to do in gym class. You will not see major changes in a few days, but if you stick with it, you will be more flexible than you thought possible.
Fluidity- Motherfucker this is hard. Fluidity is the culmination of all of the things you learn put together. It is being strong enough to do the move, flexibility helps for making moves look graceful and adds a perceived degree of difficulty and the practice helps you transition smoothly from one move to the next. It takes a fairly fit individual to make it through a 3 minute song. You cannot have fluidity without practice. It is not possible. It does not matter how strong or flexible you are, you have to be comfortable with each move, your body position, the next move you'll be doing and how to get there. One trick at a time is nice, but a whole dance is a lot more exciting.
Everyone wants an answer like, "sprinkle some glitter all over your body and you will become the best pole dancer ever." It's the same face people make when they ask how I lost 25 pounds. I moved my fat ass more and ate cake less. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it took a while. Pole dancing requires practice. Some of that time will likely need to be at home, doing sit ups, push ups or working on flexibility. You have to put work in to it if you want results. Simple as that.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Can you seriously walk in those shoes?
Buying a stripper shoe:
1. It must have rubber stoppers on the bottom. It can't just be a tall, slutty looking shoe. It must have rubber stoppers, no compromises.
2. It can be any color you like, or clear if that's how you roll
3. It should have straps if you are really going to dance in it. Strapless shoes can be cute, but when you are dancing, you cannot have a shoe fly off and kill someone - no one will give you dollars for that unless you take out their boss. In that case, they may throw you a parade and give you a key to the city. Strapless shoes are also more likely to fall off while you are walking and you can hurt yourself pretty badly falling off of a 7 inch shoe.
Somehow clear shoes went from Cinderella to Stripperella, but I don't mind. I was never the Cinderella type anyway. My shoes aren't clear, they are hooker red and 7 inches tall. I love them and yes, I can walk in them. Really, I can. So could you. It takes some practice and we'll show you how to do it without looking like a troll.
Here's the part where I get catty. There's this girl at work...Hey, I thought you weren't like that! I am not like that during the class, but this is an emergency, seriously. Stop interrupting me. There is this girl at work who always wears a dress, always looks really nice and always- every day- wears heels. Keep in mind, they have to repeatedly send out emails at my work about wearing pajama pants and slippers in the winter and ones about bare midriffs and shorty shorts in the summer. But aren't you a stripper? Aren't they supposed to dress like that? Didn't you just tell me to go buy some booty shorts? I take a class to be a stripper. I also have a regular job too where I am a paralegal, stop laughing.
Now that you have gathered yourself back up again, I will continue as though I were not so rudely interrupted. This girl at work always takes great care and likely spends a fair amount of money looking nice from head to toe, but she walks like a troll. It is this horrible shoulders forward, butt out, hunched over, stomping troll walk and it ruins everything she did to look so nice. Well, that and her strange colored lipstick, but that's just mean, so I won't say it. Every time I see her or hear her stomping down the hall like a goddamned sumo wrestler. (I apologize to anyone who enjoys the perfectly legitimate sport of sumo wrestling.) I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in the way they tell you never to shake a baby and say, "you are so fucking this up! For fuck's sake lady, shoulders back, knees bent slightly, tuck in that rabid beaver before someone shoots it and step lightly, but with your whole foot- no heel/toe, toes slightly out!"
Then she would be forever in my debt and I would just say, really, it's no problem. I always try to help the less fortunate. Then I would invite her to pole class and she'd practice her walking until she stops traffic in the hallways.
Recap on the shoe buying: You can buy any color, rubber stopper, strap on shoe you like. The length is not that important, but bigger is better ;) always.
I will leave you with what Chris Rock had to say about them, “When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: “We need something new! Something that just says nasty”…And one girl said: “I got it! Clear heels!” Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”
He also said your only job as a parent is to keep your daughter off of the pole. I guess that's just one more thing to add to the pile of things my parents failed at. For your listening pleasure I have included a song that I can't seem to get out of my head in the post below.
~Piece out
1. It must have rubber stoppers on the bottom. It can't just be a tall, slutty looking shoe. It must have rubber stoppers, no compromises.
2. It can be any color you like, or clear if that's how you roll
3. It should have straps if you are really going to dance in it. Strapless shoes can be cute, but when you are dancing, you cannot have a shoe fly off and kill someone - no one will give you dollars for that unless you take out their boss. In that case, they may throw you a parade and give you a key to the city. Strapless shoes are also more likely to fall off while you are walking and you can hurt yourself pretty badly falling off of a 7 inch shoe.
Somehow clear shoes went from Cinderella to Stripperella, but I don't mind. I was never the Cinderella type anyway. My shoes aren't clear, they are hooker red and 7 inches tall. I love them and yes, I can walk in them. Really, I can. So could you. It takes some practice and we'll show you how to do it without looking like a troll.
Here's the part where I get catty. There's this girl at work...Hey, I thought you weren't like that! I am not like that during the class, but this is an emergency, seriously. Stop interrupting me. There is this girl at work who always wears a dress, always looks really nice and always- every day- wears heels. Keep in mind, they have to repeatedly send out emails at my work about wearing pajama pants and slippers in the winter and ones about bare midriffs and shorty shorts in the summer. But aren't you a stripper? Aren't they supposed to dress like that? Didn't you just tell me to go buy some booty shorts? I take a class to be a stripper. I also have a regular job too where I am a paralegal, stop laughing.
Now that you have gathered yourself back up again, I will continue as though I were not so rudely interrupted. This girl at work always takes great care and likely spends a fair amount of money looking nice from head to toe, but she walks like a troll. It is this horrible shoulders forward, butt out, hunched over, stomping troll walk and it ruins everything she did to look so nice. Well, that and her strange colored lipstick, but that's just mean, so I won't say it. Every time I see her or hear her stomping down the hall like a goddamned sumo wrestler. (I apologize to anyone who enjoys the perfectly legitimate sport of sumo wrestling.) I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her in the way they tell you never to shake a baby and say, "you are so fucking this up! For fuck's sake lady, shoulders back, knees bent slightly, tuck in that rabid beaver before someone shoots it and step lightly, but with your whole foot- no heel/toe, toes slightly out!"
Then she would be forever in my debt and I would just say, really, it's no problem. I always try to help the less fortunate. Then I would invite her to pole class and she'd practice her walking until she stops traffic in the hallways.
Recap on the shoe buying: You can buy any color, rubber stopper, strap on shoe you like. The length is not that important, but bigger is better ;) always.
I will leave you with what Chris Rock had to say about them, “When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said: “We need something new! Something that just says nasty”…And one girl said: “I got it! Clear heels!” Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”
He also said your only job as a parent is to keep your daughter off of the pole. I guess that's just one more thing to add to the pile of things my parents failed at. For your listening pleasure I have included a song that I can't seem to get out of my head in the post below.
~Piece out
Friday, June 17, 2011
To.get.her together
So all of this prancing about like tart sounds like fun and all, but I just don't think it's for me. I need to lose 30 pounds first, I have a busy life and I am not sure I have the money. I have no fucking time for this. I have a stressful job, kids, a husband, no husband and I need to find one, I need to get rid of one, I need a boyfriend, girlfriend, need people to just leave me alone, I have no social life because I have shit to do, I have no social life because I have shit on me, will these children ever be able to manage their own body fluids? When? Tell me there is hope!
I know the mom/wife/career (M/W/C) thing is important. It's important to me too. I can tell you that a good M/W/C needs to recharge her battery. Everyone gets overwhelmed with the bullshit in life, even when it is caused by, or in an effort to, make happy the people we love and in pursuit of things or people we are proud of.
Those are really good reasons to take this class. Didn't you hear me? I said I was fat, broke and busy. What part of that sounds like booty shorts, spend money, take time for me?
First of all, having to lose weight before you exercise is really fucking silly and vain. If you live your whole life waiting to be perfect for the situation, it's all going to pass your ass by with or without the 30 pounds. When my boyfriend (now husband) said he was too old to go to school at 26 and get out of dead end retail jobs I told him this: You will turn 30 and 40 and 50 with or without an education. You can either get off your ass and go get it or shut up about wanting more out of your life and career. Silly him, married my ass after that :). Short story long, he went to school and graduated with a 4.0 because he wanted it, bad. I gave him a swift kick in the dick, but he did the hard work after that. And so, dear readers, I submit the same to you. Your life will continue to march on toward death whether or not you lose the weight. If you want to lose some weight, then come on in and work your ass off. If you don't want to lose weight, come in to have fun. If you keep saying I can't X until Y, then you will always be waiting for what you want. For what it's worth, you don't have to wear shorts with your beaver peeking out. As long as they are above the knee, you're good.
Okay with the shorty pants. I am still broke. I know there are people who are genuinely, truly broke. I have been there. I am not asking anyone to skip out on their mortgage or decide not to feed their kids to come to pole class. BUT :) (never trust a big but and a smile), many people are not in a truly desperate situation. They are in a situation where they have to choose what they spend money on and what they don't. I won't try to tell you how to spend your money, I just hope that sometimes you might forego something extra- a couple of cups of coffee, a manicure, a pair of shoes you don't really need even though they are on sale- and spend the money with me instead. I think dancing with us is a great value when you consider it is a social event, an evening with adults, a huge self-esteem booster and exercise all in one. I repeat, I am not asking for you to starve your kids or get evicted. It's your choice, I just hope you choose me sometimes.
Still with me? Not too busy to finish reading this post? Busted! Ha! An hour and a half is a lot of time. You can do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, watch a movie or have sex in an hour and a half. Hell if your life is really sad, you might be able to all of that in an hour and a half and you won't even have to choose one. If you can do all of those things in an hour and a half, you really, really need us. Seriously.
In our society, we have moved women from the home into the workplace, which is great. I like using my brain. I am sure you do too. Sometimes more than others, but I digress. We share in the earning, but in many cases, we are taking on most of the other responsibilities as well. I am among the lucky few who has a husband who does way more than his fair share of kid/house duties. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking the beneficiary of your lap dances, a babysitter, or your parents to look after your kids for an hour and a half a week. It is crazy how much an hour and a half a week can change how you see yourself, how you view the week, your life and on and on. It is something to look forward to.
This is truly a place that no matter what your size we will support you. I do not wear shorts outside of class, but I wear them in class. It is nice and dark in there and many of the women have to go buy shorts to wear to class because they are well beyond the booty short stage in life. Really, you only need shorts that go at least a few inches above your knees. As for the 30 pounds? Well, it isn't going to come off just by bitching and hiding. I know, I've tried.
I hope I have convinced you to try it at least once. I think ideally you'd need 3 classes to get a real sense of what it's like, but give us one hour and a half and then decide. I promise you won't feel like you wasted your time, money or leave feeling worse about yourself- the future is up to you. Consider your dick kicked, your move, bitches, your move!
Piece out
I know the mom/wife/career (M/W/C) thing is important. It's important to me too. I can tell you that a good M/W/C needs to recharge her battery. Everyone gets overwhelmed with the bullshit in life, even when it is caused by, or in an effort to, make happy the people we love and in pursuit of things or people we are proud of.
Those are really good reasons to take this class. Didn't you hear me? I said I was fat, broke and busy. What part of that sounds like booty shorts, spend money, take time for me?
First of all, having to lose weight before you exercise is really fucking silly and vain. If you live your whole life waiting to be perfect for the situation, it's all going to pass your ass by with or without the 30 pounds. When my boyfriend (now husband) said he was too old to go to school at 26 and get out of dead end retail jobs I told him this: You will turn 30 and 40 and 50 with or without an education. You can either get off your ass and go get it or shut up about wanting more out of your life and career. Silly him, married my ass after that :). Short story long, he went to school and graduated with a 4.0 because he wanted it, bad. I gave him a swift kick in the dick, but he did the hard work after that. And so, dear readers, I submit the same to you. Your life will continue to march on toward death whether or not you lose the weight. If you want to lose some weight, then come on in and work your ass off. If you don't want to lose weight, come in to have fun. If you keep saying I can't X until Y, then you will always be waiting for what you want. For what it's worth, you don't have to wear shorts with your beaver peeking out. As long as they are above the knee, you're good.
Okay with the shorty pants. I am still broke. I know there are people who are genuinely, truly broke. I have been there. I am not asking anyone to skip out on their mortgage or decide not to feed their kids to come to pole class. BUT :) (never trust a big but and a smile), many people are not in a truly desperate situation. They are in a situation where they have to choose what they spend money on and what they don't. I won't try to tell you how to spend your money, I just hope that sometimes you might forego something extra- a couple of cups of coffee, a manicure, a pair of shoes you don't really need even though they are on sale- and spend the money with me instead. I think dancing with us is a great value when you consider it is a social event, an evening with adults, a huge self-esteem booster and exercise all in one. I repeat, I am not asking for you to starve your kids or get evicted. It's your choice, I just hope you choose me sometimes.
Still with me? Not too busy to finish reading this post? Busted! Ha! An hour and a half is a lot of time. You can do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, watch a movie or have sex in an hour and a half. Hell if your life is really sad, you might be able to all of that in an hour and a half and you won't even have to choose one. If you can do all of those things in an hour and a half, you really, really need us. Seriously.
In our society, we have moved women from the home into the workplace, which is great. I like using my brain. I am sure you do too. Sometimes more than others, but I digress. We share in the earning, but in many cases, we are taking on most of the other responsibilities as well. I am among the lucky few who has a husband who does way more than his fair share of kid/house duties. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking the beneficiary of your lap dances, a babysitter, or your parents to look after your kids for an hour and a half a week. It is crazy how much an hour and a half a week can change how you see yourself, how you view the week, your life and on and on. It is something to look forward to.
This is truly a place that no matter what your size we will support you. I do not wear shorts outside of class, but I wear them in class. It is nice and dark in there and many of the women have to go buy shorts to wear to class because they are well beyond the booty short stage in life. Really, you only need shorts that go at least a few inches above your knees. As for the 30 pounds? Well, it isn't going to come off just by bitching and hiding. I know, I've tried.
I hope I have convinced you to try it at least once. I think ideally you'd need 3 classes to get a real sense of what it's like, but give us one hour and a half and then decide. I promise you won't feel like you wasted your time, money or leave feeling worse about yourself- the future is up to you. Consider your dick kicked, your move, bitches, your move!
Piece out
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